I am an offering

My heart was burdened inside my chest,

the fire from old left mere embers instead.

The weight of glory left my soul,

it is stead lay the burdens of this life.

In my anger I cried out,

in my disdain I screamed to God.

Why doth thou forsake me?

Were the words running in my head.

Mouth could only utter, 'Why?'

My strength has left me,

my joy a mere memory before me.

Yet God you brought me here,

why now do you change me?

In my comfort I was happy,

and satisfied with the work of my hand.

In my stretching I was grateful,

as my character was changed and I grew.

But Lord what is this pain?

I have known growth without it before.

My heart is weighted,

My eyes wet with tears.

Will you not speak?

Will you not give relief to your beloved?

Am I to be cast out like Israel?

To wander in the desert?

In Your faithfulness you answer me,

not in words, or fire, or smoke.

In Your gentle heart, you respond,

not in the wind, the rain, or the earth shakes.

Oh Lord Your letters of love,

How they comfort my soul;

Bringing this heart hope,

and satisfying the deepest ache.

Your love letter to me,

66 books to discover your words.

How foolish I was

to think I knew you!

Your nature is true, 

your anger is just.

Your love is unending,

and I am left humble.

Jeremiah felt the longings,

the love of his God and his people.

His heart broke for your beloved,

as he wrote,

"the fierce anger of the Lord will not turn back,

until he fully accomplishes the purposes

of His heart."

Yet in your judgement,

You faithfully spoke,"The time is coming,

when I will make a new covenant

with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah.

It will not be like the covenant I made with their forefathers

when I took them by hand to lead them out of Egypt,

because they broke my covenant,

though I was their Beloved....

I will put my law in their minds

and write it on their hearts.

I will be their God

and they will be my people.

No longer will a man teach his neighbour,

or a man his brothers saying, 

'Know the Lord,'

because they will know me."

Oh Lord, if Jeremiah only knew!

If the prophets of old, could have seen!

Your sacrifice, Your offering to us...

For You sent Your Son to earth.

In our sin and folly,

You did not forget us.

Our beloved came to save,

Our Lord redeemed us all.

If we merely look upon His face,

we are saved from the mire of our souls.

If we touch the edge of His cloak,

we are healed from our many afflictions.

I believe, oh Lord, help my unbelief!

In my weakness pick me up,

dust off my feet and send me along.

In my weakness, You are strong.

In my indiscretion, You are faithful.

In my trembling, You are wise and stand.

Your offering is a sweet aroma to the heavens.

Forgive my foolish heart!

Have mercy on my silly soul.

In my weakness I doubted You,

in my hurt I rejected Your comfort.

Let Your love letters speak to me again.

Revive Your Word in my soul,

let me constantly meditate on Your words.

For I am nothing without You.

Let me be the salt and light.

At whatever the cost,

let me offering me a sweet aroma.

Whether it be fire, or grain,

accept my offering, my heart.

I am humbled before Thee.

In my angst Your face seemed hidden.

Yet here You are faithful. 

Give me strength to be stretched,

let my heart be steadfast.

Let me speak Your word;

to the masses or the single

let Your words ring through mine.

If I have nothing left,

I have You.

I give my will in sweet surrender,

Whatever You want Lord I give.

I am afraid of my words,

and my actions cause trembling.

Will men throw me out?

Like Jeremiah, will I be cast out?

What of men's words?

Of what eternal glory do they hold?

I will stand firm,

Speaking the love of God.

Let my actions speak,

The love story written before time.

Holy Spirit indwell in my places,

as I walk be with me.

Let Your presence be known,

in my work, school and play.

Let my heart hear Your voice,

even as the worlds speak so loud.

If I cause one thing,

let Your people see You.

Let me be an encouragement,

a light in the dark,

salt to the offering,

and God I will give.

I will lay my life down,

for is this not love?

I will turn the other cheek,

and give away my cloak.

I will walk the extra mile,

and not speak ill against my enemy.

I believe Your Word,

as it lives and dwells within me.

Be the Light through me,

today, tomorrow, and forever.

Amen.

Selah.

Obeying the Lord

My daughter and I sing, and sing often, about everything and lately I've been explaining to her that this is not new but it is wonderful and that David in the Bible wrote Psalms that expressed a range of emotions that we can relate to. We both seem to know God best when singing quietly about what is on our heart to Him. So this morning, I sang a prayer of repentance. Whose chorus focused mostly on this line, "I self-serve, I self-seek, I'm self-absorbed and I am just too weak... to do this on my own."

 My family know that I can be a fairly self-focused individual. Not because I mean to be necessarily, but often because I act based on how I feel - giving no or little though on how this may affect the other. Now in big issues I have improved with God's grace, with the input of an old friend and previous boss - "respond don't react". I have further learned the fruit of self-control. But in the little dailies I find myself serving only myself and what makes me feel good.

Psalms 37:3-9
Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this.
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait
patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret - it leads only to evil.
For evil men will be cut off;
but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

If you have never read Psalms 37, you really need to read it in its entirety. It is a constant contrast between those that follow God and the wicked; yet it does not allow the righteous to simply BE, but rather challenges their various faults: anger, patience, trust, commitment, focusing on God and being generous.

I struggle with trusting God. I have joked since I was a teen, "I don't have confidence issues with me, I have confidence issues with God." I'd get a chuckle, scolded or individuals would simply roll their eyes. But since I was a tween, I haven't fully known who God is. You say of course you haven't, but often times individuals are certain of their faith in God - I was just certain in the faith I held and kept God at the length I could understand Him.

This has led to me leaving God out of my job, out of my marriage (for the most part), and pocketed well into the areas I could grasp. While it allowed for decent spirituality it never involved the development of my character - how can your core change and your habits be broken if God is not with you always? Thus this search in Lent. I don't simply want a God who I feel, like when I was 12 & 13; nor do I want a God that simply gives me good world knowledge, wisdom and reputation (17-present) - I need a holistic, incarnational God that changes and morphs my hard heart and stubborn, self-absorbed head into His image. This Psalm reminds me that He is will respond to the various parts of my heart and my various struggles. He is faithful.

Forgotten Ways

Jeremiah is considered the weeping prophet by most, and reading the first few chapters of the text it is no surprise as to why. You feel the heat from the Lord reading the words of judgement that He is pronouncing over His Beloved. Having grown up 'Pentecostal', I read it and I hear Jeremiah speaking it aloud as a prophetic utterance, and it makes your heart shiver. It also can be convicting....

Having grown up in the church it often feels like you've been 'saved' since conception. Each of us have that moment or few moments where you knew God called you out, but faith has always been a part of your psyche. Because of this I have read the Bible 2-3 times in its entirety  These passages should be familiar or at least trigger some previous memory - and yet it doesn't. I have to cultivate the greatest love note I have ever received. I am no so different than Israel when the Lord said,

"Consider then and realize

how evil and biter it is for you

when you forsake the Lord your God

and have no awe of me," 

declares the Lord, the Lord Almighty

My pastor shared with us yesterday the first time he ever had God speak to him. When he was praying for how thankful he was to not be a heathen sentenced to hell, God spoke "but for My grace, you would be". As believers it is easy to fall into a stagnate place - whether it be in our physical or spiritual life. Neither honor God, and truly both are statements of disobeidence. Jeremiah 2:14 points to Israel asking if she is a slave, and if not why does she act like it. So often we act bound to sin, bound to the past, forgetting we are co-heirs with Christ; redeemed, being sanctified and ever moving towards our beloved Father. 

Jeremiah 3:4-5 was a somber reminder of the foolishness of the flittering heart.

"Have you not just called to me:

'My Fahter, my friend from my youth,

will you always be angry?

Will your wrath continue forever?'

This is how you talk,

but you do all the evil you can."

I used to think evil was the 'big' sins, and yet as Jesus said a mere thought is adultery and murder, I find myself a murderer and an adultress. Yet when I find myself overcome I cry out to be saved, and He is faithful to save me. Yet as soon as I have legs to stand again I run back to my 'worthless idols'. How grateful I am that Jesus came and covered over my sin, redeeming me to Him. But with His Blood do I truly want to defile His sacrficie? Or spit on His cross? 

I say all this, to really say: I'm sorry. I act within my own strength, pursuing my own idols, and carrying them around as trophies of value. Thank you for giving us Your Son as our lamb, so I can still approach the throne of heaven in the midst of my indiscretion. Please help me to give in to way 'feels good' or what is easy, help me not to say 'it's no use, I love foreign gods, and I must go after them', give me strength to trust You and You alone are enough.

"Create in me a clean heart, a clean heart
For I have turned my face from You
Teach us of Your ways oh God, oh God
For we have turned away from You
Lord have mercy

We will run to you, we will run to you
Turning from our sin we return to You
Father heal your world, make all things new
Make all things new

Your love and mercy build and shape us
Break us and recreate us now
Lord have mercy"
- Gungor "We Will Run To You"

Safe Place

Psalms 46 - a song.


1 God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields[d] with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

Yesterday I was praying, and waited to see what I should read. This first week I didn't want to be systematic or read a specific text for Lent; instead I wanted to just let the Spirit directly minister to my heart. John 1 is a familiar passage, and thus was a walk through memory; the above passage was chosen because yesterday was the 46th day of the year.

I sing. Yes, many people sing, but I sing about everything and anyone - or at least I did when I was a kid. My family has dozens of stories of the silly songs I'd sing - often just describing what I was doing in that moment. Singing was the calming affect on my soul that often felt divided. I also talk, ask anyone and they'll tell you I talk a lot. The exchange of information, sharing of one's innermost being with another is a passion of mine - so I talk. However I have a hard time taking this passion to talk and directing it to my Creator or having it change me. Yesterday I prayed with words for a minute or two - but I get so distracted and bored. I then went to Psalms 46, and saw it was a song. What better way to read a song than to sing it aloud? As I sang a new tune to an old song, it was evident this writer was a singer. In case you didn't know the Sons of Korah wrote many Psalms. Here I found a kindred heart - singing one's prayers. After I finished this Psalm I proceeded to pray for the few burdens on my heart, all through song. I felt the connection with the Creator - and while emotion is not the basis of our faith - the feeling of connection put a joy in my heart and a reminder of the love from my Creator.

So what does this have to do with Lent?

I will hopefully reflect to that later. Currently I have a few oxen stuck in a well that demand my immediate attention. (Luke 14:5) Blessings.

John 1 - The Word

Today I read John 1. There are a few things that particularly stuck with me.




16-18

"From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God but God the One and Only, who is at the Father's side, has made him known."




Grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. From this truth we are blessed again and again. Even in our sin, and our deception or perversion of truth - Jesus offers us hope and access to the Father's face through Him, through His grace and truth. Often I struggle with truth. As a child I felt moments of insanity, wondering if this was "real" life; I felt condemned in my double-mindedness. My husband can attest to the plague it caused me, it stole my very joy whenever it was present. I realized a year or so ago that the cloak of duality had been lifted off my mind. I couldn't pinpoint when or how - but God had been faithful to bring truth; THE TRUTH had saved me. Honestly it brings tears to my eyes realizing that that burden is gone. There is still a memory of the deception, in fact it covers most of my childhood memories in a mask of pain and bitterness that I know (head knowledge) wasn't really there. A great theologian and teacher of mine, explained once that we have to seek God to have our memories redeemed. that while we may be healed sometimes our memories are still drenched in the darkness - we need his TRUTH to come in and make real the grace that has always been a part of our life.




29-34




This section talks about John baptizing Jesus. In these few verses he says twice he did not recognize Jesus as the Son of God; after all they were cousins, who is going to think their cousin is the long foretold Savior? The application of this is two-fold. First our Savior can come to us in unrecognizable ways, and may very well be closer than we think. Second, give grace to the blind who can not see the Savior right in front of them. After all it is later in John where we see that, "He has blinded their eyes and deadened their hearts, so they can neither see with their eyes, nor understand with their hearts, nor turn--and I would heal them." (12:60) Rather than judge those that do not see, ask God to unveil their eyes - seek the Lord to open their hearts to the Truth.





43


"The next day Jesus decided to leave for Galilee, finding Philip, he said to him "Follow Me."






My husband's name is Phillip, in fact he is named after this disciple. Personally this verse means so much. Many of the disciples sought Jesus out, for Philip Jesus sought him out! My heart leaps inside of me chest at the wonder of being a sought out disciple! To my beloved, I'd say remember your namesake because you Savior will call you out as well. For the rest, its an encouragement to know our Savior proactively searches us out. He does not leave us behind, He will find us and bring us to Him.

Rediscovery Through Lent

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday - the beginning of Lent. During Lent many people sacrifice or give up pleasures as preparation for Easter. I have never participated as I never felt convicted to do so. This year is a bit different. Having lived my life in semesters I feel like God's next season will take a perspective of years and seasons rather than short 5 months of crazy. I will discuss in my first post the "hows" and more "whys", but I want to know God more. I need to know my Creator intimately  and spending haphazard time with Him doesn't work for a 'sold-out' soul like myself. So I am starting this season of Lent -sacrificing 'me' time and giving it to God. I am going to rediscover Him through rereading various sections and passages of Scripture that have shaped me over the last two decades. I felt compelled to structure this season around scripture by the sermon my pastor, Jackie Johns preached on Sunday. My retelling of his statement is this,

"Go on a road of rediscovery of your first love, the Word. Walk the old trails, point out the familiar landmarks, look at the past through the lens of the present. Read the greatest love letter ever written by Love itself, and see what He has to say to you today." 

I hope that through this journey I may bless and challenge you, as I too am challenged and blessed.

Here's to rediscovery of my neglected Love.