nothing Scary

In reading Matthew 3 this morning, I was struck by how we read the Bible. For many of us the Bible holds literal words, most of which are directives from God, with little to no space for the humanness of the writers. When we read John the Baptist talking about Jesus and the chaff being thrown into unquenchable fire - we read it as though God himself is telling us that those who are chaff will be thrown into that fire.

But what if we don't read Scripture that way? What if we interacted with this sacred text, as a dangerous book that reveals not only the heart of God but our own nature. That as we read the words, hear the stories, interact with the themes we aren't being given a textbook or manual but an invitation to be revealed and to see?

The more time that passes here in South Dakota, I find myself more and more grateful for my childhood, my adolescence, and the spiritual spaces of college/grad school. When I sit down and read Scripture I'm not afraid of the questions that are certain to arise. Give me enough time and I'll wrestle through any text to try to find what God's heart is on the matter. Through that wrestling I know I will be changed, my motives will be unveiled, my own lack apparent and I will either see or long for another way. But I didn't get here alone.

My dad gave space for questions, in fact he often demanded critical reflection on anything we engaged with and Scripture was no exception. While I may have grown up in a conservative family, attending Awana, being home schooled, and living in the middle of nowhere - the eccentricities of my family gave space for many interpretations.

Moving helped as well. Encountering diverse people throughout my childhood, demanded a common ground mentality and the space for ecumenical work that my 10 year old started to operate in. 

In college, I had professors who believed different things. Very conservative, committed liberal, strong Feminist, passionate reformer, missionaries, pastors, - these people shared with me their life and their ways of engaging with God.

In grad school I finally found my language. Theology gave me grounding for the ways I saw the world. Challenged to engage with doctrine in robust and holistic ways, learning the ways other branches of the Christian faith interacted with Scripture and the Triune God - I was stretched but I was also at home.

When Cheryl Bridges Johns, touched my arm the night of the Pentecostal Theological Seminary Christmas dinner, she looked me in the eye and said, "you are a part of us" - I began the journey of interpretation within community. All of a sudden I was known and beheld, invited into a system I had often felt only halfway a part of. Reading the Word within a community, especially a diverse community of various ethnic, education, tradition, and socioeconomic backgrounds meant being challenged to read in more faithful ways. My patterns and habits may not fit, they may even silence others voices and so it was many years of learning how to live out the new ways I was interacting with Scripture and God.

But our pastors made that space, they worked hard to cultivate a place to wrestle and rest, to know and doubt. When Cheryl spoke of Scripture it a wild and dangerous book, one we should engage with curiosity and even a little trepidation. Jackie would invite us to hear the constancy of the faith, the long roads others had walked here with us, and to remind us to go back go where God had been before if we ever felt like we lost him

Like all people they are imperfect and so was our church. But it was beautiful. I may not have recognized it then, but New Covenant would hold me steady through tumultuous seasons. 

I don't read Matthew 3 as God saying through John that those who do not produce fruit will be thrown into a fire. I read it and hear a man who was an outsider, likely rejected for his eccentric ways, but then when he got popular those who are the haves wanted what he - as a had not - had. He spoke with righteous anger. Wary be those who repent simply because it's popular. Don't you dare just come so you can say you did and then continue on in your selfish, holier than thou ways. It is a judgment you take upon yourself when you come only for show. John was personal and prophetic when he spoke, but I don't believe he was prescriptive. Does that change the weightiness of John's words? No. Does it shift the focus? Perhaps. If you are operating out of a fear of judgment then the interpretation lies heavily on John's ending words. But if the weight doesn't land there, perhaps we can focus more on John's caution to the Pharisees that "they must bear fruit of repentance"?

I want to be an invitation to engage and wrestle. I want to be a safe space to work through hard things. Thanks for joining me here.

Grace and peace. 

Resurrection

Cautious curiosity

Passionate persuasion

Reckless running

Absolute astonishment

Painfully paused

Wholly wonderful

Living Lord

Cautious curiosity
I imagine the women mentioned in the Bible, as they went to the tomb. There must havebeen some level of cautious curiosity in their steps. They headed towards the tomb of their Lord, uncertain if guards would be there, uncertain if they'd be able to complete their task. 

Matthew 27 tells us that "Mary Magdalene and the other Mary were sitting there opposite the tomb" when Jesus was put inside and the stone rolled in front. I wonder what loss they felt, or perhaps they still had faith thus they had cautious curiosity to see what would happen next?

Mark 16:1-3 tells us that "Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body. 2 Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb 3 and they asked each other, “Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?” They wondered at their own ability, still cautious at their work. 

Passionate Persuasion & Reckless Running

Each of the Gospels tell the next part of the story from slightly different perspectives; but they all say this (they) "ran to tell his disciples". The women who came to wrap Jesus' body ran to the disciples. They had seen an empty tomb, had been told by angels Jesus was gone, and even saw Jesus themselves - you can imagine they passionately ran to the disciples in order to persuade them of the truth. Matthew's Gospel says, "they departed quickly from the tomb with fear and great joy, and ran to tell his disciples." They had just seen an angel of the Lord, most of the texts point out the shock and fear they experienced. Luke's Gospel paints a great picture of what happened in telling the disciples, "but these words seemed to them an idle tale, and they did not believe them. But Peter rose and ran to the tomb" They women passionately believed, and ran to the disciples; who in turn did not believe but Peter recklessly ran back to see what had happened.

Absolute Astonishment
That same text in Luke goes on to say that "stooping and looking in, he (Peter) saw the linen cloths by themselves; and he went home marveling at what had happened." When they eventually see Jesus, Matthew says they "came up and took hold of his feet and worshiped him." Their Lord, the friend, their Jesus had returned to them - but He was not the same Jesus. He had gone through the crucifixion  He had become the once and for all sacrificial Lamb. Yet this difference didn't cause hesitation, rather it caused worship and exaltation  As someone who is oft worried about change, this makes my heart happy. Jesus could have shown Himself as simply God, an unattainable being. Yet Luke reminds us of His fully God and fully Man state, "And while they still disbelieved for joy and were marveling, he said to them, “Have you anything here to eat?” 42 They gave him a piece of broiled fish,43 and he took it and ate before them."

Painfully Paused
We all know this next text. The one disciple who was out when Jesus showed up, the one who questioned the validity of his brothers; sweet Thomas. His words were almost impulsive like Peter, but perhaps they were the desperately plea of a man who had been lost and at once was found in Jesus, who was no longer there. A longing to know, truly, holistically know, that Jesus was alive. So Thomas declares in John, “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.” There is much commentary on Thomas, but as an emotionally cautious, and yet impulsive soul I can understand the hesitation  Why would we want to believe a truth from another, when in fact we too walked with the Lord. Thomas walked with the Lord just as the other disciples, and saw the death of his beloved Friend. I'd want proof too, I would expect Jesus to know I'd need that. So Jesus knew the longings of His friend's heart and answered it. "Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.” 28 Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!” 29 Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” I don't believe Jesus was angry at Thomas, but rather exhorting all of them for the next stage of their ministry. Many would come after that would never touch the hands and feet of Jesus, yet His promise would be enough and they'd believe.

Wholly Wonderful
Jesus didn't leave the disciples without help. He knew His followers would need more as He would no longer walk with Him as they had before. He gave them a promise, "And behold, I am sending the promise of my Father upon you." The Gospel of Matthew also says, "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” The disciples were not left alone, Acts reminds us of that promise from Jesus, "wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about.  For John baptized with water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit." Jesus had mentioned the Spirit throughout His ministry, John 16 Jesus says, "When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth; for he will not speak on his own, but will speak whatever he hears, and he will declare to you the things that are to come. 14 He will glorify me, because he will take what is mine and declare it to you." The disciples, and in turn we, are not left alone. But rather are about to have a foretaste of the wholeness we will experience again with our Jesus. The Spirit, the Comforter, the speaker of Truth - will come and reside in us. Through the Spirit we have the strength to move forward from the Resurrection into the Great Commission. Without the Spirit we are left wondering, hesitating, and uncertain of our future. Yet the Spirit descends like a fire, filling our hearts giving us the empowerment and relationship necessary for the already-not yet Kingdom.

Living Lord
He is alive, Jesus has risen. He has ascended through the clouds, He proclaimed His purpose earlier in John 14, "In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also." He is not dead, nor is he absent. At this point I reflect on a teaching from a professor about the Lord's Supper. We discussed how the Lord's Supper is more than a recollection, but a partaking with our Lord - which means He is there with us. We are reliving the sacrifice, nailing our Savior to the cross, we are taking the bread and wine with/for/by Jesus. My favorite analogy we used was that of an engagement ring. So often in the Lord's Supper we look at it as mere remembrance, a longing to the past, like a bride-to-be does with her engagement ring when the bridegroom is absent. But the glorious and mysterious reality of communion is that in partaking we recall into the present what occurred in the past, participating with our Lord - He is not an absent bridegroom when we take communion! He is an active Love, encouraging us, strengthening us for the journey ahead. Oh such a joyous occasion! Should we not partake with our Lord always! It is through this lens that you can understand why in the early church they had to restrict how often they would take communion, same with the early Pentecostal movement. Through this we act, God acts, Jesus is, and the veil of time is ripped open as we fellowship with our Creator, Savior, Lord and Friend. We have a living Lord, not just far away in the sky, but present with us always. Just as the empowerment of the Holy Spirit gives us strength to move from the Resurrection, our Living Lord empowers us to keep participating in the Holy Trinity as a co-heir with Christ moving always towards Him and His glory.
________________________________________________________________________________
And so with this Lent is finish, the glory of Resurrection has been tasted and we walk again into the world. I was afraid of the loss of spiritual uplift after Lent and Easter. But I believe that through the Spirit, and ever active Lord, my Father will not forget me - nor will He forget anyone who calls upon Him. Thus we can move forward without fear and hesitation, looking ever longingly to His face, but working ever present in His world.

Lights Part One 1

I have a friend, whom I love more than anyone outside of blood family. She is a lost soul. Not that I doubt her salvation - but I think she doubts her own purpose, identity and 'life'. What does one say to someone who doesn't want to hear? She is a great burden on my heart, and I would give almost anything to see the Lord work in her in a mighty way. 

As I wrote this I was led to 1 Corinthians 4

"Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart."

After reading that a heart pray gushed out for this friend, below is a prayer written from her perspective. 

Oh great God and Redeemer.

Light of the World!

Great Love that casts out fear,

we need You.

In the midst of our sorrows,

We need You.

In the midst of life's fulfillments,

We so desperately need You.

When our life has no direction,

Speak Great God, Great Love.

This world longs to divide,

bringing its division at every turn.

The enemy longs to ruin me,

and I grow weary at my demise.

Jesus, great and loving Jesus,

meet me here and let me know. 

I can not cry out to You,

but my soul longs for the Truth.

My hurt and pride bridles my tongue,

and yet my hearts speaks Your name.

You created me to love You,

though my mind doesn't know it.

I was made to dance before my Father,

a celebration and joy!

In You all things were made,

In You I can find peace.

You hold the world,

You hold me,

You hold my mom.

Jesus, Jesus,

She knew You not,

but i know You knew her.

Her pains she couldn't let go,

and took her life instead.

I refuse to believe she is gone,

and hold onto her daily.

Lord Jesus, I need Your peace!

Her death haunts me,

my daughter's questions hurt me.

I grow angry and bitter at the loss afforded me.

It is not fair!

I should not carry this burden....

Lord, the One Who Sees Me,

help my hands to let go.

To nail this sin, this burden to the Cross,

never letting go of love, but just of loss.

I have not the strength,

help my wounded soul.

I need thee,

though I can not express this longing yet.

Be faithful,

forget me not.

I will turn to You,

keep after me Jesus.

I so desperately need You, Love.

Amen.

Saint

Life can take on weary seasons. Options can arise, crossroads be met. Instead of joy we can find apathy or begrudging attitudes in our heart. So this morning, in this midst of my ambiguity the Lord was once again faithful and brought me to a book of mine, Defiant Daughters. Late last year I bought this book in order to re-enrich my faith through daily doses of faith stories. I am a historian. I see the present and future through the lens of the past; in my understanding of you now I must know all that brought you here. History is a true delight to discover. Reading stories of missionaries, monks, saints, men and women of the Body - what enriching experiences for a weary soul! Today I read about Mother Maria Skobtsova of Russia; in 2004 she was made a saint in the Russian Orthodox Church for her great works.

Maria wasn't always Maria, in fact it was after two divorces, death a child, loss of country that she found her calling in serving the displaced - the motherless of the 1930's Paris. She found where God had called her, and her bishop recasted the role of monastic nuns for her allowing her to live out her calling under the umbrella of the church. Her decision of becoming a nun is stunning,

"the more we go out into the world, the more we give ourselves to the world, the less we are of the world." In her active form of monastic life she defined it as, "the complete absence of even the subtlest barrier which might separate the heart from the world and its wounds." (Page 116)

How radical a statement! As believers we so often want to hide ourselves in our church, inviting others in rather than dirtying our feet in the world. I teared when reading that thought from Mother Maria. I too build walls around my heart, separating me from the world and its heavy wounds. At the conclusion of Maria's life in a Nazi concentration camp her reputation remained, even in the midst of danger she continued her work. As she wrote,
"be fearless in the face of the most daunting task, to generate the spirit of discipline  self-limitation, sacrifice and love, to lay down our lives for our friends, and to follow in Christ's footsteps to the Golgotha appointed for us." (page 119) We each have a cross, a moment of laying down ourselves for the other; while for many it is not the actual physical act of death we die to us and live to Christ. Maria would later die in a Nazi concentration camp as she continued her ministry to the displaced of Paris by helping Jews receive baptism certificates and many escape to England and Scandinavia  Yet in her time there her love remained, as she was remembered by a survivor later,
"she exercised an enormous influence on us all. No matter what our nationality, age, political convictions - this had no significance whatsoever. Mother Maria was adored by all. She took us all under her wing. We were cut off from our families, and somehow she provided us with family". (page 121)
What a testimony of faith!

In closing, I want to be like Maria, which as she stated, is really to want to reflect Christ in all I do. Even in the crossroads, where neither road is what my heart wants - I will be faithful to His calling. Even when loved ones betray my trust, I will keep faithful to love. I will take this cross, and carry it with love. Going into all the world, seeking out His lost children, making disciples unto His name. How precious is His calling upon us, though we can not see its end, or even its beginning sometimes - His path is there and I will walk upon it. Trusting His Spirit to shine upon me as I do. At the conclusion of reading Maria's story I needed to be washed with the Word to move forward, so I leave you with Colossians.


Colossians 3:12-14 says,
"As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. 13 Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."

Selah and Sight

In the midst of darkness, piercing light can often be just that - piercing.

I think of my daughter, whenever I have to wake her up early in the morning and its still dark outside I have the living room light on along with the TV. Without fail, each time she asks me to turn of the light because its too bright (she even used to say to turn off the TV too, till she realized I as putting cartoons on for her). The bright lights hurt her eyes - she had been in the dark for so long even the dimmest light seemed too much. Often she would cover one or both of her eyes to block some of the light. If you aren't someone who lives in analogies and metaphors, I'm sorry. But I see her and am convicted at my own response to the Light.

Jesus as the Light

This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” 
12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.

Us as the light
You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Sometimes sin has a way of making the light too bright, even for those who walk with the Lord. We can leave a part of life separate  in a dark box hidden. When Light comes to it it can be overwhelming. But take heart, the Light will restore you to your Creator....
___________________________________________________________

Yesterday I couldn't find my Bible, and I grew discouraged and I didn't have much time before work. Then I grabbed what I thought was another Bible, but was actually a book of hymns. I opened to a hymn by Charles Wesley - and God spoke to me. The hymn described who I am and what I have been feeling, I am constantly amazed at His faithfulness.

Morning Hymn by Charles Wesley

Christ, whose glory fills the skies,

      Christ, the true, the only light,

Sun of Righteousness, arise,

      Triumph o’er the shades of night:

Day-spring from on high, be near:

Day-star, in my heart appear.

Dark and cheerless is the morn

      Unaccompanied by thee,

Joyless is the day’s return,

      Till thy mercy’s beams I see;

Till thy inward light impart,

Glad my eyes, and warm my heart.

Visit then this soul of mine,

      Pierce the gloom of sin, and grief,

Fill me, Radiancy Divine,

      Scatter all my unbelief,

More and more thyself display,

Shining to the perfect day.

Dark and cheerless is the morn, unaccompanied by thee..... How great it is when His light does impart! 

This morning I wrote with a heart towards a loved one, who is opening up to the light in a certain hidden area. I know its not easy, and its hard being laid open before God. I know that road, I am all to familiar with the hidden being made known. But don't lose heart, He will baptize you with fire - His Holy Spirit will indwell you and this stain will made be clean. It will no longer define you, you will be FREE.... 

In times of discouragement take heart. I sand Psalms 77 on your behalf today.

I cried out to God for help;

    I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;

    at night I stretched out untiring hands,

    and I would not be comforted.

3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;

    I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.[b]

4 You kept my eyes from closing;

    I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,

    the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.

    My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?

    Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

    Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?

    Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:

    the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.

11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

    yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will consider all your works

    and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 Your ways, God, are holy.

    What god is as great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;

    you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,

    the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16 The waters saw you, God,

    the waters saw you and writhed;

    the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,

    the heavens resounded with thunder;

    your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,

    your lightning lit up the world;

    the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,

    your way through the mighty waters,

    though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock

    by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Valley

Last night I told Phil the summation of my heart in that moment.
"I don't feel cherished by anyone"

I arose early yesterday to cover a call out at work, dealt with an employee resigning, my boss looking at other job options. I came home cleaned, cooked, played, and tried to do for the other part of my family. At the end of the night I attempted to worship and it broke my heart......
See I used to play piano, well at a decent amount anyway. While my guitar never went beyond a little bit, my fingers would glide along the keys playing a love song to the Lord. I sat at my new piano yesterday planning on working on a song I'm trying to write and found my fingers were stiff. Not only were my fingers stiff, but I couldn't read the music notes in front of me, neither could I switch out of the on key I used to play often. I was crushed. Still I played, forcing my fingers to move, asking God "please, please, please let me play...."

This morning I woke up briefly at 5, feeling compelled to pray so I did. Then when I woke up next I had this song in my head:

When death like a Gypsy

Comes to steal what I love

I will still look to the heavens

I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening

Because there are no words

Just the stillness and the hunger

For a faith that assures

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

This Lenten experience has been wonderful. I have seen glimpses of God, had preachers stop their sermons to speak directly to my heart, and felt touched by worship in ways I thought my heart had lost. And still I doubt.

I was reading parts of Jeremiah 16, where God tells His people they won't praise Him because He brought them out of Egypt. But rather a new season was coming where they will say, He brought us out of the high country.

I always thought my testimony was done, the finished work was simply that finished. Yet with that knowledge I have struggled with those same sins, the same lies, and same faults just in different forms as my youth. How do I marry these? I would often ask myself that question and with no answer leave my faith in the past. It couldn't solve the anger I had felt, the bruising my hands caused, the pain my words left, the unfulfilled longings my brokenness felt... If I were to share my testimony it would've been that God saved me from sexual sins as a child and teen. But the fact is those fears, those pains affected my marriage and I still have to ask for grace to not fall into their lies. My entire testimony laid on the redemption of that sin but if that was the end of my story, what part does my husband and daughter have in my faith? I locked them out from the spiritual parts of my heart, because I did not know how the God of my youth would fit with the God of my present. Yet there is so much more to the story than that! Praise Jesus there is.

"because of the word of their testimony...."

Through the power and healing of Jesus my Lord I have:

Overcome the hurt of rejection by the Body and have asked God to humbly allow me to serve His children, if I be rejected or stepped upon again I will stand for Him.

Run towards the Light, leaving sins dark stains behind me. My memories are still awaiting to be redeemed, by the process has begun and I can look back with more than pain - but also joy.

Humbled myself and asked for forgiveness, even when my shame of lost control is too high, He has been faithful to heal these hands to bring more than pain. 

Stopped only reacting, and slowly begun to respond. I am a sanctified work in progress  I am not finished yet. He is healing me constantly and consistently and for this I am grateful. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

If you don't know, I have been asking God to not merely change the season but to also change the scene. In this section of Jeremiah He is promising that I will not look at my saving point as the 13 year old walking away from sin, or the 15 year old in counseling. I will look and see Him now. In the trials and tribulations that lay before me, I will see His Hand. I will no longer have to look back and say "I saw Him move then" but rather I will proclaim boldly "I see Him! He has healed me soul!" At this I weep..... Perhaps I will see my loved ones made whole, their weary hearts baptized in His Spirit, their broken minds made whole to His goodness, and my life can be a reflection of His Light. While I still crave a change in physical scene, I know He is changing the spiritual scene around me. His Hand is at work and my heart leaps with anticipation and joy. 

I found this song that expressed this morning.

May the grace that sought my heart on that first day

Be the grace that binds my heart to stay

May the truth that opened up my eyes on that first time

Be the thoughts on my mind that never go away

For You are a lamp to my feet

A light to my path

You're the hand that's holding me

Faithful God, every promise kept

Every need You've met, faithful God

May the love that caught my heart to set it free

Be the love that others see in me

And may this hope that reaches to the depths of human need

Be the song that I sing in joy and suffering

For You are the love that never leaves

The friend that won't deceive

You're the one sure thing

Faithful God, every promise kept

Every need You've met, faithful God

All I am and all I'll ever be

Is all because You love faithfully

Faithful God

I will walk boldly with His name, His armor upon me, and His Spirit within me to be His feet in the brokeness I walk into daily. 

Weary

If you have ever seen me when I am tired, and I mean really tired - you'd see a fairly different Traci. Sometimes I am happier and sillier than I'd ever be; other times I can see my anger flare and my ability to hold myself back seemingly limited. I have leaned on that crutch for a long time, excusing a lot of different types of behavior. It wasn't until recently that my husband challenged me in this crutch, pushing me to see I could push through if I wanted to. I realized my exhaustion was similar to intoxication. Up to a point I am just using it as an excuse for bad behavior, there are times (like in the middle of the night and I get smacked in the face accidentally by Phil or Addie) where I have to use all my literal strength to control myself and barely succeed.
Why bring this up?
Today I am weary.
Its all the superficial things; call-outs, lack of sleep, problems with work, desires unfulfilled, and lack of time with my Creator. It's scary how quickly I cAn forget the amazing works of God. I feel like Israel, who went through the Exodus - seeing the grand power of their Lord. Yet as soon as their resources run low they complain and question God's very ability to give.

In all my complaining,
I'd like to say I'm sorry.
In all my unrighteousness
I'd like to say forgive me.

I am an unworthy vessel,
full of holes and cracks.
My anger often controls me,
my emotions overwhelm me.
I am blinded to You, simply by me.

Please forgive this weary soul.
Forgive the foolish heart.
Your signs abound.
Your grace is unending.
Even in the midst of my enemies,
You speak.

Lord, God, Abba Father....
This child needs You.
More than I need life,
breath and sleep can fade;
but this longing for You remains.
I wait.

I love you Lord,
You are faithful to the end.
If when I lay in Sheol,
dying in the very waste of me,
You are my rock and my salvation.
I will trust in You.

Thank you Lord,
for Your goodness is never ending.
Your greatness never ceasing.
Your faithfulness fills the seas.
Your love larger than the heavens.
Here am I.