"I don't feel cherished by anyone"
I arose early yesterday to cover a call out at work, dealt with an employee resigning, my boss looking at other job options. I came home cleaned, cooked, played, and tried to do for the other part of my family. At the end of the night I attempted to worship and it broke my heart......
See I used to play piano, well at a decent amount anyway. While my guitar never went beyond a little bit, my fingers would glide along the keys playing a love song to the Lord. I sat at my new piano yesterday planning on working on a song I'm trying to write and found my fingers were stiff. Not only were my fingers stiff, but I couldn't read the music notes in front of me, neither could I switch out of the on key I used to play often. I was crushed. Still I played, forcing my fingers to move, asking God "please, please, please let me play...."
This morning I woke up briefly at 5, feeling compelled to pray so I did. Then when I woke up next I had this song in my head:
When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
This Lenten experience has been wonderful. I have seen glimpses of God, had preachers stop their sermons to speak directly to my heart, and felt touched by worship in ways I thought my heart had lost. And still I doubt.
I was reading parts of Jeremiah 16, where God tells His people they won't praise Him because He brought them out of Egypt. But rather a new season was coming where they will say, He brought us out of the high country.
I always thought my testimony was done, the finished work was simply that finished. Yet with that knowledge I have struggled with those same sins, the same lies, and same faults just in different forms as my youth. How do I marry these? I would often ask myself that question and with no answer leave my faith in the past. It couldn't solve the anger I had felt, the bruising my hands caused, the pain my words left, the unfulfilled longings my brokenness felt... If I were to share my testimony it would've been that God saved me from sexual sins as a child and teen. But the fact is those fears, those pains affected my marriage and I still have to ask for grace to not fall into their lies. My entire testimony laid on the redemption of that sin but if that was the end of my story, what part does my husband and daughter have in my faith? I locked them out from the spiritual parts of my heart, because I did not know how the God of my youth would fit with the God of my present. Yet there is so much more to the story than that! Praise Jesus there is.
"because of the word of their testimony...."
Through the power and healing of Jesus my Lord I have:
Overcome the hurt of rejection by the Body and have asked God to humbly allow me to serve His children, if I be rejected or stepped upon again I will stand for Him.
Run towards the Light, leaving sins dark stains behind me. My memories are still awaiting to be redeemed, by the process has begun and I can look back with more than pain - but also joy.
Humbled myself and asked for forgiveness, even when my shame of lost control is too high, He has been faithful to heal these hands to bring more than pain.
Stopped only reacting, and slowly begun to respond. I am a sanctified work in progress I am not finished yet. He is healing me constantly and consistently and for this I am grateful.
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If you don't know, I have been asking God to not merely change the season but to also change the scene. In this section of Jeremiah He is promising that I will not look at my saving point as the 13 year old walking away from sin, or the 15 year old in counseling. I will look and see Him now. In the trials and tribulations that lay before me, I will see His Hand. I will no longer have to look back and say "I saw Him move then" but rather I will proclaim boldly "I see Him! He has healed me soul!" At this I weep..... Perhaps I will see my loved ones made whole, their weary hearts baptized in His Spirit, their broken minds made whole to His goodness, and my life can be a reflection of His Light. While I still crave a change in physical scene, I know He is changing the spiritual scene around me. His Hand is at work and my heart leaps with anticipation and joy.
I found this song that expressed this morning.
May the grace that sought my heart on that first day
Be the grace that binds my heart to stay
May the truth that opened up my eyes on that first time
Be the thoughts on my mind that never go away
For You are a lamp to my feet
A light to my path
You're the hand that's holding me
Faithful God, every promise kept
Every need You've met, faithful God
May the love that caught my heart to set it free
Be the love that others see in me
And may this hope that reaches to the depths of human need
Be the song that I sing in joy and suffering
For You are the love that never leaves
The friend that won't deceive
You're the one sure thing
Faithful God, every promise kept
Every need You've met, faithful God
All I am and all I'll ever be
Is all because You love faithfully
Faithful God
I will walk boldly with His name, His armor upon me, and His Spirit within me to be His feet in the brokeness I walk into daily.
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