Weary

If you have ever seen me when I am tired, and I mean really tired - you'd see a fairly different Traci. Sometimes I am happier and sillier than I'd ever be; other times I can see my anger flare and my ability to hold myself back seemingly limited. I have leaned on that crutch for a long time, excusing a lot of different types of behavior. It wasn't until recently that my husband challenged me in this crutch, pushing me to see I could push through if I wanted to. I realized my exhaustion was similar to intoxication. Up to a point I am just using it as an excuse for bad behavior, there are times (like in the middle of the night and I get smacked in the face accidentally by Phil or Addie) where I have to use all my literal strength to control myself and barely succeed.
Why bring this up?
Today I am weary.
Its all the superficial things; call-outs, lack of sleep, problems with work, desires unfulfilled, and lack of time with my Creator. It's scary how quickly I cAn forget the amazing works of God. I feel like Israel, who went through the Exodus - seeing the grand power of their Lord. Yet as soon as their resources run low they complain and question God's very ability to give.

In all my complaining,
I'd like to say I'm sorry.
In all my unrighteousness
I'd like to say forgive me.

I am an unworthy vessel,
full of holes and cracks.
My anger often controls me,
my emotions overwhelm me.
I am blinded to You, simply by me.

Please forgive this weary soul.
Forgive the foolish heart.
Your signs abound.
Your grace is unending.
Even in the midst of my enemies,
You speak.

Lord, God, Abba Father....
This child needs You.
More than I need life,
breath and sleep can fade;
but this longing for You remains.
I wait.

I love you Lord,
You are faithful to the end.
If when I lay in Sheol,
dying in the very waste of me,
You are my rock and my salvation.
I will trust in You.

Thank you Lord,
for Your goodness is never ending.
Your greatness never ceasing.
Your faithfulness fills the seas.
Your love larger than the heavens.
Here am I.