Lights Part One 1

I have a friend, whom I love more than anyone outside of blood family. She is a lost soul. Not that I doubt her salvation - but I think she doubts her own purpose, identity and 'life'. What does one say to someone who doesn't want to hear? She is a great burden on my heart, and I would give almost anything to see the Lord work in her in a mighty way. 

As I wrote this I was led to 1 Corinthians 4

"Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart."

After reading that a heart pray gushed out for this friend, below is a prayer written from her perspective. 

Oh great God and Redeemer.

Light of the World!

Great Love that casts out fear,

we need You.

In the midst of our sorrows,

We need You.

In the midst of life's fulfillments,

We so desperately need You.

When our life has no direction,

Speak Great God, Great Love.

This world longs to divide,

bringing its division at every turn.

The enemy longs to ruin me,

and I grow weary at my demise.

Jesus, great and loving Jesus,

meet me here and let me know. 

I can not cry out to You,

but my soul longs for the Truth.

My hurt and pride bridles my tongue,

and yet my hearts speaks Your name.

You created me to love You,

though my mind doesn't know it.

I was made to dance before my Father,

a celebration and joy!

In You all things were made,

In You I can find peace.

You hold the world,

You hold me,

You hold my mom.

Jesus, Jesus,

She knew You not,

but i know You knew her.

Her pains she couldn't let go,

and took her life instead.

I refuse to believe she is gone,

and hold onto her daily.

Lord Jesus, I need Your peace!

Her death haunts me,

my daughter's questions hurt me.

I grow angry and bitter at the loss afforded me.

It is not fair!

I should not carry this burden....

Lord, the One Who Sees Me,

help my hands to let go.

To nail this sin, this burden to the Cross,

never letting go of love, but just of loss.

I have not the strength,

help my wounded soul.

I need thee,

though I can not express this longing yet.

Be faithful,

forget me not.

I will turn to You,

keep after me Jesus.

I so desperately need You, Love.

Amen.

Saint

Life can take on weary seasons. Options can arise, crossroads be met. Instead of joy we can find apathy or begrudging attitudes in our heart. So this morning, in this midst of my ambiguity the Lord was once again faithful and brought me to a book of mine, Defiant Daughters. Late last year I bought this book in order to re-enrich my faith through daily doses of faith stories. I am a historian. I see the present and future through the lens of the past; in my understanding of you now I must know all that brought you here. History is a true delight to discover. Reading stories of missionaries, monks, saints, men and women of the Body - what enriching experiences for a weary soul! Today I read about Mother Maria Skobtsova of Russia; in 2004 she was made a saint in the Russian Orthodox Church for her great works.

Maria wasn't always Maria, in fact it was after two divorces, death a child, loss of country that she found her calling in serving the displaced - the motherless of the 1930's Paris. She found where God had called her, and her bishop recasted the role of monastic nuns for her allowing her to live out her calling under the umbrella of the church. Her decision of becoming a nun is stunning,

"the more we go out into the world, the more we give ourselves to the world, the less we are of the world." In her active form of monastic life she defined it as, "the complete absence of even the subtlest barrier which might separate the heart from the world and its wounds." (Page 116)

How radical a statement! As believers we so often want to hide ourselves in our church, inviting others in rather than dirtying our feet in the world. I teared when reading that thought from Mother Maria. I too build walls around my heart, separating me from the world and its heavy wounds. At the conclusion of Maria's life in a Nazi concentration camp her reputation remained, even in the midst of danger she continued her work. As she wrote,
"be fearless in the face of the most daunting task, to generate the spirit of discipline  self-limitation, sacrifice and love, to lay down our lives for our friends, and to follow in Christ's footsteps to the Golgotha appointed for us." (page 119) We each have a cross, a moment of laying down ourselves for the other; while for many it is not the actual physical act of death we die to us and live to Christ. Maria would later die in a Nazi concentration camp as she continued her ministry to the displaced of Paris by helping Jews receive baptism certificates and many escape to England and Scandinavia  Yet in her time there her love remained, as she was remembered by a survivor later,
"she exercised an enormous influence on us all. No matter what our nationality, age, political convictions - this had no significance whatsoever. Mother Maria was adored by all. She took us all under her wing. We were cut off from our families, and somehow she provided us with family". (page 121)
What a testimony of faith!

In closing, I want to be like Maria, which as she stated, is really to want to reflect Christ in all I do. Even in the crossroads, where neither road is what my heart wants - I will be faithful to His calling. Even when loved ones betray my trust, I will keep faithful to love. I will take this cross, and carry it with love. Going into all the world, seeking out His lost children, making disciples unto His name. How precious is His calling upon us, though we can not see its end, or even its beginning sometimes - His path is there and I will walk upon it. Trusting His Spirit to shine upon me as I do. At the conclusion of reading Maria's story I needed to be washed with the Word to move forward, so I leave you with Colossians.


Colossians 3:12-14 says,
"As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. 13 Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."

Selah and Sight

In the midst of darkness, piercing light can often be just that - piercing.

I think of my daughter, whenever I have to wake her up early in the morning and its still dark outside I have the living room light on along with the TV. Without fail, each time she asks me to turn of the light because its too bright (she even used to say to turn off the TV too, till she realized I as putting cartoons on for her). The bright lights hurt her eyes - she had been in the dark for so long even the dimmest light seemed too much. Often she would cover one or both of her eyes to block some of the light. If you aren't someone who lives in analogies and metaphors, I'm sorry. But I see her and am convicted at my own response to the Light.

Jesus as the Light

This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” 
12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.

Us as the light
You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Sometimes sin has a way of making the light too bright, even for those who walk with the Lord. We can leave a part of life separate  in a dark box hidden. When Light comes to it it can be overwhelming. But take heart, the Light will restore you to your Creator....
___________________________________________________________

Yesterday I couldn't find my Bible, and I grew discouraged and I didn't have much time before work. Then I grabbed what I thought was another Bible, but was actually a book of hymns. I opened to a hymn by Charles Wesley - and God spoke to me. The hymn described who I am and what I have been feeling, I am constantly amazed at His faithfulness.

Morning Hymn by Charles Wesley

Christ, whose glory fills the skies,

      Christ, the true, the only light,

Sun of Righteousness, arise,

      Triumph o’er the shades of night:

Day-spring from on high, be near:

Day-star, in my heart appear.

Dark and cheerless is the morn

      Unaccompanied by thee,

Joyless is the day’s return,

      Till thy mercy’s beams I see;

Till thy inward light impart,

Glad my eyes, and warm my heart.

Visit then this soul of mine,

      Pierce the gloom of sin, and grief,

Fill me, Radiancy Divine,

      Scatter all my unbelief,

More and more thyself display,

Shining to the perfect day.

Dark and cheerless is the morn, unaccompanied by thee..... How great it is when His light does impart! 

This morning I wrote with a heart towards a loved one, who is opening up to the light in a certain hidden area. I know its not easy, and its hard being laid open before God. I know that road, I am all to familiar with the hidden being made known. But don't lose heart, He will baptize you with fire - His Holy Spirit will indwell you and this stain will made be clean. It will no longer define you, you will be FREE.... 

In times of discouragement take heart. I sand Psalms 77 on your behalf today.

I cried out to God for help;

    I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;

    at night I stretched out untiring hands,

    and I would not be comforted.

3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;

    I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.[b]

4 You kept my eyes from closing;

    I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,

    the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.

    My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?

    Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

    Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?

    Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:

    the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.

11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

    yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will consider all your works

    and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 Your ways, God, are holy.

    What god is as great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;

    you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,

    the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16 The waters saw you, God,

    the waters saw you and writhed;

    the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,

    the heavens resounded with thunder;

    your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,

    your lightning lit up the world;

    the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,

    your way through the mighty waters,

    though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock

    by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Valley

Last night I told Phil the summation of my heart in that moment.
"I don't feel cherished by anyone"

I arose early yesterday to cover a call out at work, dealt with an employee resigning, my boss looking at other job options. I came home cleaned, cooked, played, and tried to do for the other part of my family. At the end of the night I attempted to worship and it broke my heart......
See I used to play piano, well at a decent amount anyway. While my guitar never went beyond a little bit, my fingers would glide along the keys playing a love song to the Lord. I sat at my new piano yesterday planning on working on a song I'm trying to write and found my fingers were stiff. Not only were my fingers stiff, but I couldn't read the music notes in front of me, neither could I switch out of the on key I used to play often. I was crushed. Still I played, forcing my fingers to move, asking God "please, please, please let me play...."

This morning I woke up briefly at 5, feeling compelled to pray so I did. Then when I woke up next I had this song in my head:

When death like a Gypsy

Comes to steal what I love

I will still look to the heavens

I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening

Because there are no words

Just the stillness and the hunger

For a faith that assures

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

This Lenten experience has been wonderful. I have seen glimpses of God, had preachers stop their sermons to speak directly to my heart, and felt touched by worship in ways I thought my heart had lost. And still I doubt.

I was reading parts of Jeremiah 16, where God tells His people they won't praise Him because He brought them out of Egypt. But rather a new season was coming where they will say, He brought us out of the high country.

I always thought my testimony was done, the finished work was simply that finished. Yet with that knowledge I have struggled with those same sins, the same lies, and same faults just in different forms as my youth. How do I marry these? I would often ask myself that question and with no answer leave my faith in the past. It couldn't solve the anger I had felt, the bruising my hands caused, the pain my words left, the unfulfilled longings my brokenness felt... If I were to share my testimony it would've been that God saved me from sexual sins as a child and teen. But the fact is those fears, those pains affected my marriage and I still have to ask for grace to not fall into their lies. My entire testimony laid on the redemption of that sin but if that was the end of my story, what part does my husband and daughter have in my faith? I locked them out from the spiritual parts of my heart, because I did not know how the God of my youth would fit with the God of my present. Yet there is so much more to the story than that! Praise Jesus there is.

"because of the word of their testimony...."

Through the power and healing of Jesus my Lord I have:

Overcome the hurt of rejection by the Body and have asked God to humbly allow me to serve His children, if I be rejected or stepped upon again I will stand for Him.

Run towards the Light, leaving sins dark stains behind me. My memories are still awaiting to be redeemed, by the process has begun and I can look back with more than pain - but also joy.

Humbled myself and asked for forgiveness, even when my shame of lost control is too high, He has been faithful to heal these hands to bring more than pain. 

Stopped only reacting, and slowly begun to respond. I am a sanctified work in progress  I am not finished yet. He is healing me constantly and consistently and for this I am grateful. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

If you don't know, I have been asking God to not merely change the season but to also change the scene. In this section of Jeremiah He is promising that I will not look at my saving point as the 13 year old walking away from sin, or the 15 year old in counseling. I will look and see Him now. In the trials and tribulations that lay before me, I will see His Hand. I will no longer have to look back and say "I saw Him move then" but rather I will proclaim boldly "I see Him! He has healed me soul!" At this I weep..... Perhaps I will see my loved ones made whole, their weary hearts baptized in His Spirit, their broken minds made whole to His goodness, and my life can be a reflection of His Light. While I still crave a change in physical scene, I know He is changing the spiritual scene around me. His Hand is at work and my heart leaps with anticipation and joy. 

I found this song that expressed this morning.

May the grace that sought my heart on that first day

Be the grace that binds my heart to stay

May the truth that opened up my eyes on that first time

Be the thoughts on my mind that never go away

For You are a lamp to my feet

A light to my path

You're the hand that's holding me

Faithful God, every promise kept

Every need You've met, faithful God

May the love that caught my heart to set it free

Be the love that others see in me

And may this hope that reaches to the depths of human need

Be the song that I sing in joy and suffering

For You are the love that never leaves

The friend that won't deceive

You're the one sure thing

Faithful God, every promise kept

Every need You've met, faithful God

All I am and all I'll ever be

Is all because You love faithfully

Faithful God

I will walk boldly with His name, His armor upon me, and His Spirit within me to be His feet in the brokeness I walk into daily. 

Weary

If you have ever seen me when I am tired, and I mean really tired - you'd see a fairly different Traci. Sometimes I am happier and sillier than I'd ever be; other times I can see my anger flare and my ability to hold myself back seemingly limited. I have leaned on that crutch for a long time, excusing a lot of different types of behavior. It wasn't until recently that my husband challenged me in this crutch, pushing me to see I could push through if I wanted to. I realized my exhaustion was similar to intoxication. Up to a point I am just using it as an excuse for bad behavior, there are times (like in the middle of the night and I get smacked in the face accidentally by Phil or Addie) where I have to use all my literal strength to control myself and barely succeed.
Why bring this up?
Today I am weary.
Its all the superficial things; call-outs, lack of sleep, problems with work, desires unfulfilled, and lack of time with my Creator. It's scary how quickly I cAn forget the amazing works of God. I feel like Israel, who went through the Exodus - seeing the grand power of their Lord. Yet as soon as their resources run low they complain and question God's very ability to give.

In all my complaining,
I'd like to say I'm sorry.
In all my unrighteousness
I'd like to say forgive me.

I am an unworthy vessel,
full of holes and cracks.
My anger often controls me,
my emotions overwhelm me.
I am blinded to You, simply by me.

Please forgive this weary soul.
Forgive the foolish heart.
Your signs abound.
Your grace is unending.
Even in the midst of my enemies,
You speak.

Lord, God, Abba Father....
This child needs You.
More than I need life,
breath and sleep can fade;
but this longing for You remains.
I wait.

I love you Lord,
You are faithful to the end.
If when I lay in Sheol,
dying in the very waste of me,
You are my rock and my salvation.
I will trust in You.

Thank you Lord,
for Your goodness is never ending.
Your greatness never ceasing.
Your faithfulness fills the seas.
Your love larger than the heavens.
Here am I.

Delight

Each of us take delight in different things. I know as a spouse I delight in my husband when his attention is on me, and he is searching out ways to win my heart. As a parent my heart takes delight when I see my daughter walking in the ways of the Lord, or when she says something exactly like me! or when I see that little-bit of a girl and see a glimpse of the women she will be. Very often she can always win my delight in her obedience. I don't tell her to do things often, I try to let her explore and make mistakes. But I want her to be safe, and I want her to learn and do what is right - so sometimes action is required from her.
The Lord as our Father and God reiterates this similar delight in obedience,

Hosea 6:6

"For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice,
    the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."

1 Samuel 15:22b

"Surely, to obey is better than sacrifice,
    and to heed than the fat of rams."

Often times obedience is not desirable, especially as it is often uncomfortable and stretches us.

Right now I have been fed so much the last few weeks through this process of Lent. It has broken me, and more importantly restored me. It would be so nice to simply stay in this baby phase of consistently being fed the emotional milk from God. But we all must grow up, and take on the process of not simply being sustained by emotion. Sometimes we have to act, and that act of obedience is better than sacrificing anything else.
I think of my job, my home, my church and my family. I can honestly think of a half-dozen things I'd love to sacrifice over obeying God in acting towards them. I don't know right now what that act of obedience will be, but I feel it coming. God has betrothed me unto Himself, but not only for myself but also for His Body. I just pray that I will be willing to obey, no matter the cost.

Lent Thus Far

I began this blog, to begin and record a journey. Ironically that evening I went to Church for the beginning of Lent to find out the church's title for Lent was also journey. It certainly has been there. I thought I'd blog daily - reflecting on scriptures  songs and prayers through this journey. But some days time doesn't allow, many more days the more important habit is trusting in the Lord and spending time with Him rather than reflecting on Him. This week has been especially interesting.
On Sunday I had a melt down. As my husband saw, I fastforward very quickly to operating as a doer rather a co-heir with Christ. The situation made us both wary of out involvement in Church again, wondering if we could handle it - but going forward in faith after much talk and prayer. (Though on a sidenote  have not idea what this will look like.)
On Monday I went back to work, after having a week off with my beloved and my sweetie. I enjoyed the previous week going to classes at the Seminary with Phil and having playdates with Addie and her friends. It was hard going to back to "real life", the struggles and realities of work. Monday I was hurt to be there. I am finishing up my third year, and I am saddened by my lack of spiritual impact. It is hard working in a "christian" environment, so everyone acts nice but at the root I know over half my staff have little to no relationship with Christ. I can't simply act nice and hopes to reflect His glory; there has to be more. I grew weary and Monday it was hard to be out of the spiritual bubble I had been in the previous week. Even after I spent the whole morning interceding for my team and lost loved ones, being in the presence of the Lord- my old habits appeared at work quickly.
On Tuesday I didn't care. I mean I did, as I the Spirit compels me to care. Twice I had employees comment on my demeanor. Once that I looked like I checked out, second said I looked angry (which I was, more frustrated at the lack of proper work being done).
I saw all that to say this:
Lethargy and apathy won't cause anyone's salvation.

I'd like to ignore that I heard that, maybe plead the fifth, forget I knew the Spirit's leading. I don't want to be held accountable for how I am at work - it'd appreciate a dual standard. But our God is a God of soundmind, of love, and requires consistency. He is an unchanging God - His patience will not fade. I don't expect God-like characteristics overnight, but surely I can be more than a lethargic, apathetic, depressed individual at my job.
Maybe I can be a light. It just seems so hard being a light, in the midst of a lightly lighted room. The darkness would surely see my light and be grateful for it. But I am humbled by John's description of Christ
"the Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." If the world did not see Christ - who was obvious a blazing light in the midst of their supreme darkness, I should not grow weary if I feel unseen in my little flicker. But this doesn't get me off the hook, in any capacity.
I think of few Scriptures of encouragement:
Matthew 10:42
"whoever gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones in the name of a disciple—truly I tell you, none of these will lose their reward.”
2 Timothy 1:7
"for God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline."
Colossians 3:17
"Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."

God,
I am broken and often bitter.
I want Your gifts to just happen;
to simply fall upon my lap.

But if Your Son could not escape
the time of the wilderness, and of temptation.
How much more must I,
face this desert and seek Your Living Waters?

Give me uplift, Oh Lord.
Let not my seeking be in vain,
calm my spirit and let me long.
Be faithful in Your calling.

I know I am new, young and weak.
But I see the warrior You made in me.
The make of industry that You formed.
Let me not forget the grace You gave.

Quicken my steps to action.
Harken my heart to Your glory.
Help my impatience, my Lord,
and help me to be Your light.

I see no future,
no longings fulfilled,
no desires dreamt,
and i feel empty.

Cause a vision,
a holy wholly vision Lord.
Not of man, of fame or power,
but of Your glory.

Make way Your paths,
that no man can make asunder.
Plant in me a dream and passion.
I can't go on without it.

I believe in Your love,
In all my life You have been faithful.
I will recount the days of my youth,
when You spoke Your love songs to me.
I will stand upon Your Word,
the truth, the Bread of Life, the Living Waters.
I believe in You Oh Lord.
I trust I will see Your face,
at the mountain, running into the fear...
You will be there.

To be honest....

A projection

Can I rant for a few minutes?

I guess I don’t need to, as long as you are happy that’s what matters. If you are content and have forgiven the trampling that occurred than I can’t take on your offense. But honestly if you ever need someone to take your offense for you, I’m here for you. Seriously, it’d take me like five minutes max and I could rant and rave over the hypocrisy of the system; how it puts on a pretty face but hurts people in the process. But it’s not my offense, at this point anyway, so just let me know.

In case you don’t know me, let me give you a brief overview of myself.

I’m healing.

A long time ago I fell in love with the structure and building that the Body of Christ met in. I invested my heart, soul, and spirit – and left God eventually. When I followed God’s direction, and met rejection I went back seeking a home. Instead I found a system, and structure. While it did what it had to do to preserve itself, I was left naked, and broken. That’s where my best friend and now love came in. God brought me a best friend, one who could relate to the rejection of the system and yet was bound to it in every sense. A PK, with a call for missions, a love for family, and secret spiritual life – this man was my soul mate. Fast forward: marriage, baby, happiness, struggles, sins, anger, forgiveness, and time. I forgot why I needed God. He was an abstract formula that I prayed to, sang songs for, mentioned often, and taught my daughter about. But I kept Him there, in a box and I was happy. So my marriage sucked sometimes, my anger got the best of me, and lust crept in – but I was okay, right? Walls I didn’t know were there, and were built nicely around my emotions. Protecting me from His conviction, protecting me from feeling the world, and most of all protecting me from myself. My former life, of sin, of hurt, of disappoint, of failure, of people, of everything. Fast forward to now.

I am broken and I can’t seem to break these old habits.

I hurt. I want to be healed, but am afraid of its consequences. I prayed and beseeched God this morning to give me a better spirit with my daughter, and I had to constantly fight the desire to just snap at everyone. It’s amazing how sin disguises itself as attractive…  I have never been whole, while being in love. I know it’s silly, and the words of my favorite authors, Lewis and MacDonald resound strongly against this thought but here it is: can I love my Creator and rely on Him alone and still be desperately in love and with my beloved on earth? Of course it can be done, but you have to understand that my hearts pattern has never allowed for both. My catch phrase is “I’m an all or nothing girl”; I can’t give up on one or the other. I don’t balance well; see my former stalker days (legitimately so).  I feel I am coming undone.

 Do you know me?

The church reached out to me and I don’t think they have any idea what price they just asked. Can I be in the world, minister to the world, give my heart to my God and my beloved, and minister in the House of God? I feel faint at the concept. Honestly I have been a bit bitter and depressed most of the afternoon. I have been waiting for years for a door, any door, any acknowledgement, a moment of “I see you”. Whether this is that, or not I do not know. I only hear the Spirit’s caution “Don’t make your faith about another person again”. I have a pattern in the past of putting my heart and faith in the person representing God, rather than in God Himself – a foolish and all too costly mistake…

The water that I will give will become in you a well of water springing up to eternal life

What does all of this mean? It means I want to be real again. I’m just not sure how to take the ‘real’ I knew then, and the real I am now and marry the two. Yet my burden seems so light compared to some, and so heavy to others. I guess this is what Jesus meant, by His yolk being light and His burden easy. He cares the yoke we have to carry with us, and doesn’t look back. If we can just reach out in faith and hold fast onto His gaze the yoke is light – though mind you it doesn’t go away. It is still there, the weight still real but we just don’t have to carry it alone.

I wept till it hurt today, and since the beginning of Lent this has been a common occurrence. Buttons have been pushed, issues brought up, and the process of sanctification is still very real in me.

I want, but my want won’t define me. At least that seems right…  With all of this the only calming occurrence that has been through my life since I was small was the Word. I always have life verses (and I also have to change work passwords often) – so lately I try to have the two correlate. I would like to share those with you now. I hadn’t noticed, but there definitely is a transition.

Psalms 13 – The depth

“How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul,

Having sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;

Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,

And my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”

And my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.

But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness;

My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

Because He has dealt bountifully with me.”

Matthew 28:19 – The reminder of the Call

“Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations,

baptizing them in the name

 of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit”

Jeremiah 29:13 – The plea

“You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.”

Proverbs 13:12 – The curse

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Habakkuk 2:3 – The foretaste

“For the vision is yet for the appointed time;

It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail.

Though it tarries, wait for it;

For it will certainly come, it will not delay.”

John 4:14 – The reminder

“but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst;

 but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”

When one isn't enough

We all know two is better than one. Love songs tell us, pop culture reminds us, various clubs poke this at us in order to get our participation, pastors preach it at us to get our tithe; but can one really do it alone?

I am someone who is rarely alone. Being the oldest of seven, married right out of high school, and early mom - alone is something not found often. To be honest I am grateful for this. I remember back in high school all of my family (grandparents, siblings and parents) were in town (a 30 minute drive) and I was home alone at 15. I was alone for about 15 minutes and I got antsy and bothered at the quiet and lack of companionship. So I called my best friend and bribed her with gas money to come pick me up; which she thankfully did. That is quiet literally the only time I remember being home alone, otherwise isolation only occurred in the car which always involved music. In addition I have always shared my heart and thoughts easily, and perhaps too frequently. But I learn more about myself as I talk it through with others, they are my energy and reminders of grace.  I say all this to say, I have never been afraid to admit I need people. But I have never been in a position where seeking help 'looked bad'; most weaknesses have never struck me as something I should be ashamed of or have to hide for fear of loosing face.

My husband is a PK (pastor's kid), and if anyone knows the church - pastor's are typically expected to be like the priests of old: perfect - and pk's are expected to follow suit. Growing up I always heard, you either get the pk who is perfect or the pk who rebels against God and the Church. Now his parent's didn't expect perfection, they did require good behavior. My husband still feels like everyone is watching him at church, and will always sit towards the back whether at church or in class. Because judgement is his weakness, he constantly gets poked by people and the enemy, whether it be by his 'stay-at-home-dad' status, long hippy hair and beard, geeky t-shirts, or his quiet nature.

I recently had someone I love, tell me they were in counseling and the day after our conversation they asked if I was disappointed by them. Not so much by the idea of counseling, but rather by the weaknesses they shared. I told them of course not, and in fact I was proud of them being able to share and deal with what they were going through. Being in ministry, being a parent, being a leader often makes people think they gotten things together, but really we are all just growing and moving towards Grace.

Personally because of my, and my father's experience with the normal institution church, I was bitter and hurt. When the church divides a Christian family, and leaves out personal discernment; it loses its purpose and leaves the Body of Christ with a bad taste. I saw this, and thus decided the church as a Sunday morning institution was for the blind, the weak sheep, and those who were unable to live the life of a Christian. I believed in community, and found that in an extended family - where we broke bread, shared our burdens, preached, prayed and worshipped. A pastor, elders, deacons, and a building seemed superficial and superfluous; and for the most part my experience proved a lot of this.

Yet God has been doing something. A few weeks ago, I started attending a church. Not only did I start attending on Sunday, but also Wednesday, and I my heart wanted to be there all the time. My heart has started to heal, and in the middle of that my pastor, and even visiting my pastor-father-in-law, the sermons have been about communing with the Body of Christ in church. In addition to a desire to be with the organized Body, I also see the brokenness in my friends, coworkers, and others even more than before; not to mention a keen awareness of my own need for Christ.

So what does this all mean? Why share? To be honest I don't know. I am walking on this journey, and have seen a dramatic increase in faith-based interactions, and have been shaken and challenged. I have seen those I love growing, and moving towards Christ.

Hebrews 10:23-25
"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful;  and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.
Ecclesiastes 4:12
"And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."
Romans 12:4-5
"For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, 5 so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another."
1 Thessalonians 5:11
"Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing."
James 5:16
"16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much."