Lent Thus Far

I began this blog, to begin and record a journey. Ironically that evening I went to Church for the beginning of Lent to find out the church's title for Lent was also journey. It certainly has been there. I thought I'd blog daily - reflecting on scriptures  songs and prayers through this journey. But some days time doesn't allow, many more days the more important habit is trusting in the Lord and spending time with Him rather than reflecting on Him. This week has been especially interesting.
On Sunday I had a melt down. As my husband saw, I fastforward very quickly to operating as a doer rather a co-heir with Christ. The situation made us both wary of out involvement in Church again, wondering if we could handle it - but going forward in faith after much talk and prayer. (Though on a sidenote  have not idea what this will look like.)
On Monday I went back to work, after having a week off with my beloved and my sweetie. I enjoyed the previous week going to classes at the Seminary with Phil and having playdates with Addie and her friends. It was hard going to back to "real life", the struggles and realities of work. Monday I was hurt to be there. I am finishing up my third year, and I am saddened by my lack of spiritual impact. It is hard working in a "christian" environment, so everyone acts nice but at the root I know over half my staff have little to no relationship with Christ. I can't simply act nice and hopes to reflect His glory; there has to be more. I grew weary and Monday it was hard to be out of the spiritual bubble I had been in the previous week. Even after I spent the whole morning interceding for my team and lost loved ones, being in the presence of the Lord- my old habits appeared at work quickly.
On Tuesday I didn't care. I mean I did, as I the Spirit compels me to care. Twice I had employees comment on my demeanor. Once that I looked like I checked out, second said I looked angry (which I was, more frustrated at the lack of proper work being done).
I saw all that to say this:
Lethargy and apathy won't cause anyone's salvation.

I'd like to ignore that I heard that, maybe plead the fifth, forget I knew the Spirit's leading. I don't want to be held accountable for how I am at work - it'd appreciate a dual standard. But our God is a God of soundmind, of love, and requires consistency. He is an unchanging God - His patience will not fade. I don't expect God-like characteristics overnight, but surely I can be more than a lethargic, apathetic, depressed individual at my job.
Maybe I can be a light. It just seems so hard being a light, in the midst of a lightly lighted room. The darkness would surely see my light and be grateful for it. But I am humbled by John's description of Christ
"the Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." If the world did not see Christ - who was obvious a blazing light in the midst of their supreme darkness, I should not grow weary if I feel unseen in my little flicker. But this doesn't get me off the hook, in any capacity.
I think of few Scriptures of encouragement:
Matthew 10:42
"whoever gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones in the name of a disciple—truly I tell you, none of these will lose their reward.”
2 Timothy 1:7
"for God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline."
Colossians 3:17
"Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."

God,
I am broken and often bitter.
I want Your gifts to just happen;
to simply fall upon my lap.

But if Your Son could not escape
the time of the wilderness, and of temptation.
How much more must I,
face this desert and seek Your Living Waters?

Give me uplift, Oh Lord.
Let not my seeking be in vain,
calm my spirit and let me long.
Be faithful in Your calling.

I know I am new, young and weak.
But I see the warrior You made in me.
The make of industry that You formed.
Let me not forget the grace You gave.

Quicken my steps to action.
Harken my heart to Your glory.
Help my impatience, my Lord,
and help me to be Your light.

I see no future,
no longings fulfilled,
no desires dreamt,
and i feel empty.

Cause a vision,
a holy wholly vision Lord.
Not of man, of fame or power,
but of Your glory.

Make way Your paths,
that no man can make asunder.
Plant in me a dream and passion.
I can't go on without it.

I believe in Your love,
In all my life You have been faithful.
I will recount the days of my youth,
when You spoke Your love songs to me.
I will stand upon Your Word,
the truth, the Bread of Life, the Living Waters.
I believe in You Oh Lord.
I trust I will see Your face,
at the mountain, running into the fear...
You will be there.