To be honest....

A projection

Can I rant for a few minutes?

I guess I don’t need to, as long as you are happy that’s what matters. If you are content and have forgiven the trampling that occurred than I can’t take on your offense. But honestly if you ever need someone to take your offense for you, I’m here for you. Seriously, it’d take me like five minutes max and I could rant and rave over the hypocrisy of the system; how it puts on a pretty face but hurts people in the process. But it’s not my offense, at this point anyway, so just let me know.

In case you don’t know me, let me give you a brief overview of myself.

I’m healing.

A long time ago I fell in love with the structure and building that the Body of Christ met in. I invested my heart, soul, and spirit – and left God eventually. When I followed God’s direction, and met rejection I went back seeking a home. Instead I found a system, and structure. While it did what it had to do to preserve itself, I was left naked, and broken. That’s where my best friend and now love came in. God brought me a best friend, one who could relate to the rejection of the system and yet was bound to it in every sense. A PK, with a call for missions, a love for family, and secret spiritual life – this man was my soul mate. Fast forward: marriage, baby, happiness, struggles, sins, anger, forgiveness, and time. I forgot why I needed God. He was an abstract formula that I prayed to, sang songs for, mentioned often, and taught my daughter about. But I kept Him there, in a box and I was happy. So my marriage sucked sometimes, my anger got the best of me, and lust crept in – but I was okay, right? Walls I didn’t know were there, and were built nicely around my emotions. Protecting me from His conviction, protecting me from feeling the world, and most of all protecting me from myself. My former life, of sin, of hurt, of disappoint, of failure, of people, of everything. Fast forward to now.

I am broken and I can’t seem to break these old habits.

I hurt. I want to be healed, but am afraid of its consequences. I prayed and beseeched God this morning to give me a better spirit with my daughter, and I had to constantly fight the desire to just snap at everyone. It’s amazing how sin disguises itself as attractive…  I have never been whole, while being in love. I know it’s silly, and the words of my favorite authors, Lewis and MacDonald resound strongly against this thought but here it is: can I love my Creator and rely on Him alone and still be desperately in love and with my beloved on earth? Of course it can be done, but you have to understand that my hearts pattern has never allowed for both. My catch phrase is “I’m an all or nothing girl”; I can’t give up on one or the other. I don’t balance well; see my former stalker days (legitimately so).  I feel I am coming undone.

 Do you know me?

The church reached out to me and I don’t think they have any idea what price they just asked. Can I be in the world, minister to the world, give my heart to my God and my beloved, and minister in the House of God? I feel faint at the concept. Honestly I have been a bit bitter and depressed most of the afternoon. I have been waiting for years for a door, any door, any acknowledgement, a moment of “I see you”. Whether this is that, or not I do not know. I only hear the Spirit’s caution “Don’t make your faith about another person again”. I have a pattern in the past of putting my heart and faith in the person representing God, rather than in God Himself – a foolish and all too costly mistake…

The water that I will give will become in you a well of water springing up to eternal life

What does all of this mean? It means I want to be real again. I’m just not sure how to take the ‘real’ I knew then, and the real I am now and marry the two. Yet my burden seems so light compared to some, and so heavy to others. I guess this is what Jesus meant, by His yolk being light and His burden easy. He cares the yoke we have to carry with us, and doesn’t look back. If we can just reach out in faith and hold fast onto His gaze the yoke is light – though mind you it doesn’t go away. It is still there, the weight still real but we just don’t have to carry it alone.

I wept till it hurt today, and since the beginning of Lent this has been a common occurrence. Buttons have been pushed, issues brought up, and the process of sanctification is still very real in me.

I want, but my want won’t define me. At least that seems right…  With all of this the only calming occurrence that has been through my life since I was small was the Word. I always have life verses (and I also have to change work passwords often) – so lately I try to have the two correlate. I would like to share those with you now. I hadn’t noticed, but there definitely is a transition.

Psalms 13 – The depth

“How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul,

Having sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;

Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,

And my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”

And my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.

But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness;

My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

Because He has dealt bountifully with me.”

Matthew 28:19 – The reminder of the Call

“Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations,

baptizing them in the name

 of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit”

Jeremiah 29:13 – The plea

“You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.”

Proverbs 13:12 – The curse

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Habakkuk 2:3 – The foretaste

“For the vision is yet for the appointed time;

It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail.

Though it tarries, wait for it;

For it will certainly come, it will not delay.”

John 4:14 – The reminder

“but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst;

 but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”