Resurrection

Cautious curiosity

Passionate persuasion

Reckless running

Absolute astonishment

Painfully paused

Wholly wonderful

Living Lord

Cautious curiosity
I imagine the women mentioned in the Bible, as they went to the tomb. There must havebeen some level of cautious curiosity in their steps. They headed towards the tomb of their Lord, uncertain if guards would be there, uncertain if they'd be able to complete their task. 

Matthew 27 tells us that "Mary Magdalene and the other Mary were sitting there opposite the tomb" when Jesus was put inside and the stone rolled in front. I wonder what loss they felt, or perhaps they still had faith thus they had cautious curiosity to see what would happen next?

Mark 16:1-3 tells us that "Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body. 2 Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb 3 and they asked each other, “Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?” They wondered at their own ability, still cautious at their work. 

Passionate Persuasion & Reckless Running

Each of the Gospels tell the next part of the story from slightly different perspectives; but they all say this (they) "ran to tell his disciples". The women who came to wrap Jesus' body ran to the disciples. They had seen an empty tomb, had been told by angels Jesus was gone, and even saw Jesus themselves - you can imagine they passionately ran to the disciples in order to persuade them of the truth. Matthew's Gospel says, "they departed quickly from the tomb with fear and great joy, and ran to tell his disciples." They had just seen an angel of the Lord, most of the texts point out the shock and fear they experienced. Luke's Gospel paints a great picture of what happened in telling the disciples, "but these words seemed to them an idle tale, and they did not believe them. But Peter rose and ran to the tomb" They women passionately believed, and ran to the disciples; who in turn did not believe but Peter recklessly ran back to see what had happened.

Absolute Astonishment
That same text in Luke goes on to say that "stooping and looking in, he (Peter) saw the linen cloths by themselves; and he went home marveling at what had happened." When they eventually see Jesus, Matthew says they "came up and took hold of his feet and worshiped him." Their Lord, the friend, their Jesus had returned to them - but He was not the same Jesus. He had gone through the crucifixion  He had become the once and for all sacrificial Lamb. Yet this difference didn't cause hesitation, rather it caused worship and exaltation  As someone who is oft worried about change, this makes my heart happy. Jesus could have shown Himself as simply God, an unattainable being. Yet Luke reminds us of His fully God and fully Man state, "And while they still disbelieved for joy and were marveling, he said to them, “Have you anything here to eat?” 42 They gave him a piece of broiled fish,43 and he took it and ate before them."

Painfully Paused
We all know this next text. The one disciple who was out when Jesus showed up, the one who questioned the validity of his brothers; sweet Thomas. His words were almost impulsive like Peter, but perhaps they were the desperately plea of a man who had been lost and at once was found in Jesus, who was no longer there. A longing to know, truly, holistically know, that Jesus was alive. So Thomas declares in John, “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.” There is much commentary on Thomas, but as an emotionally cautious, and yet impulsive soul I can understand the hesitation  Why would we want to believe a truth from another, when in fact we too walked with the Lord. Thomas walked with the Lord just as the other disciples, and saw the death of his beloved Friend. I'd want proof too, I would expect Jesus to know I'd need that. So Jesus knew the longings of His friend's heart and answered it. "Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.” 28 Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!” 29 Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” I don't believe Jesus was angry at Thomas, but rather exhorting all of them for the next stage of their ministry. Many would come after that would never touch the hands and feet of Jesus, yet His promise would be enough and they'd believe.

Wholly Wonderful
Jesus didn't leave the disciples without help. He knew His followers would need more as He would no longer walk with Him as they had before. He gave them a promise, "And behold, I am sending the promise of my Father upon you." The Gospel of Matthew also says, "And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” The disciples were not left alone, Acts reminds us of that promise from Jesus, "wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about.  For John baptized with water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit." Jesus had mentioned the Spirit throughout His ministry, John 16 Jesus says, "When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth; for he will not speak on his own, but will speak whatever he hears, and he will declare to you the things that are to come. 14 He will glorify me, because he will take what is mine and declare it to you." The disciples, and in turn we, are not left alone. But rather are about to have a foretaste of the wholeness we will experience again with our Jesus. The Spirit, the Comforter, the speaker of Truth - will come and reside in us. Through the Spirit we have the strength to move forward from the Resurrection into the Great Commission. Without the Spirit we are left wondering, hesitating, and uncertain of our future. Yet the Spirit descends like a fire, filling our hearts giving us the empowerment and relationship necessary for the already-not yet Kingdom.

Living Lord
He is alive, Jesus has risen. He has ascended through the clouds, He proclaimed His purpose earlier in John 14, "In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also." He is not dead, nor is he absent. At this point I reflect on a teaching from a professor about the Lord's Supper. We discussed how the Lord's Supper is more than a recollection, but a partaking with our Lord - which means He is there with us. We are reliving the sacrifice, nailing our Savior to the cross, we are taking the bread and wine with/for/by Jesus. My favorite analogy we used was that of an engagement ring. So often in the Lord's Supper we look at it as mere remembrance, a longing to the past, like a bride-to-be does with her engagement ring when the bridegroom is absent. But the glorious and mysterious reality of communion is that in partaking we recall into the present what occurred in the past, participating with our Lord - He is not an absent bridegroom when we take communion! He is an active Love, encouraging us, strengthening us for the journey ahead. Oh such a joyous occasion! Should we not partake with our Lord always! It is through this lens that you can understand why in the early church they had to restrict how often they would take communion, same with the early Pentecostal movement. Through this we act, God acts, Jesus is, and the veil of time is ripped open as we fellowship with our Creator, Savior, Lord and Friend. We have a living Lord, not just far away in the sky, but present with us always. Just as the empowerment of the Holy Spirit gives us strength to move from the Resurrection, our Living Lord empowers us to keep participating in the Holy Trinity as a co-heir with Christ moving always towards Him and His glory.
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And so with this Lent is finish, the glory of Resurrection has been tasted and we walk again into the world. I was afraid of the loss of spiritual uplift after Lent and Easter. But I believe that through the Spirit, and ever active Lord, my Father will not forget me - nor will He forget anyone who calls upon Him. Thus we can move forward without fear and hesitation, looking ever longingly to His face, but working ever present in His world.

Lights Part One 1

I have a friend, whom I love more than anyone outside of blood family. She is a lost soul. Not that I doubt her salvation - but I think she doubts her own purpose, identity and 'life'. What does one say to someone who doesn't want to hear? She is a great burden on my heart, and I would give almost anything to see the Lord work in her in a mighty way. 

As I wrote this I was led to 1 Corinthians 4

"Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart."

After reading that a heart pray gushed out for this friend, below is a prayer written from her perspective. 

Oh great God and Redeemer.

Light of the World!

Great Love that casts out fear,

we need You.

In the midst of our sorrows,

We need You.

In the midst of life's fulfillments,

We so desperately need You.

When our life has no direction,

Speak Great God, Great Love.

This world longs to divide,

bringing its division at every turn.

The enemy longs to ruin me,

and I grow weary at my demise.

Jesus, great and loving Jesus,

meet me here and let me know. 

I can not cry out to You,

but my soul longs for the Truth.

My hurt and pride bridles my tongue,

and yet my hearts speaks Your name.

You created me to love You,

though my mind doesn't know it.

I was made to dance before my Father,

a celebration and joy!

In You all things were made,

In You I can find peace.

You hold the world,

You hold me,

You hold my mom.

Jesus, Jesus,

She knew You not,

but i know You knew her.

Her pains she couldn't let go,

and took her life instead.

I refuse to believe she is gone,

and hold onto her daily.

Lord Jesus, I need Your peace!

Her death haunts me,

my daughter's questions hurt me.

I grow angry and bitter at the loss afforded me.

It is not fair!

I should not carry this burden....

Lord, the One Who Sees Me,

help my hands to let go.

To nail this sin, this burden to the Cross,

never letting go of love, but just of loss.

I have not the strength,

help my wounded soul.

I need thee,

though I can not express this longing yet.

Be faithful,

forget me not.

I will turn to You,

keep after me Jesus.

I so desperately need You, Love.

Amen.

Saint

Life can take on weary seasons. Options can arise, crossroads be met. Instead of joy we can find apathy or begrudging attitudes in our heart. So this morning, in this midst of my ambiguity the Lord was once again faithful and brought me to a book of mine, Defiant Daughters. Late last year I bought this book in order to re-enrich my faith through daily doses of faith stories. I am a historian. I see the present and future through the lens of the past; in my understanding of you now I must know all that brought you here. History is a true delight to discover. Reading stories of missionaries, monks, saints, men and women of the Body - what enriching experiences for a weary soul! Today I read about Mother Maria Skobtsova of Russia; in 2004 she was made a saint in the Russian Orthodox Church for her great works.

Maria wasn't always Maria, in fact it was after two divorces, death a child, loss of country that she found her calling in serving the displaced - the motherless of the 1930's Paris. She found where God had called her, and her bishop recasted the role of monastic nuns for her allowing her to live out her calling under the umbrella of the church. Her decision of becoming a nun is stunning,

"the more we go out into the world, the more we give ourselves to the world, the less we are of the world." In her active form of monastic life she defined it as, "the complete absence of even the subtlest barrier which might separate the heart from the world and its wounds." (Page 116)

How radical a statement! As believers we so often want to hide ourselves in our church, inviting others in rather than dirtying our feet in the world. I teared when reading that thought from Mother Maria. I too build walls around my heart, separating me from the world and its heavy wounds. At the conclusion of Maria's life in a Nazi concentration camp her reputation remained, even in the midst of danger she continued her work. As she wrote,
"be fearless in the face of the most daunting task, to generate the spirit of discipline  self-limitation, sacrifice and love, to lay down our lives for our friends, and to follow in Christ's footsteps to the Golgotha appointed for us." (page 119) We each have a cross, a moment of laying down ourselves for the other; while for many it is not the actual physical act of death we die to us and live to Christ. Maria would later die in a Nazi concentration camp as she continued her ministry to the displaced of Paris by helping Jews receive baptism certificates and many escape to England and Scandinavia  Yet in her time there her love remained, as she was remembered by a survivor later,
"she exercised an enormous influence on us all. No matter what our nationality, age, political convictions - this had no significance whatsoever. Mother Maria was adored by all. She took us all under her wing. We were cut off from our families, and somehow she provided us with family". (page 121)
What a testimony of faith!

In closing, I want to be like Maria, which as she stated, is really to want to reflect Christ in all I do. Even in the crossroads, where neither road is what my heart wants - I will be faithful to His calling. Even when loved ones betray my trust, I will keep faithful to love. I will take this cross, and carry it with love. Going into all the world, seeking out His lost children, making disciples unto His name. How precious is His calling upon us, though we can not see its end, or even its beginning sometimes - His path is there and I will walk upon it. Trusting His Spirit to shine upon me as I do. At the conclusion of reading Maria's story I needed to be washed with the Word to move forward, so I leave you with Colossians.


Colossians 3:12-14 says,
"As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. 13 Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."

Selah and Sight

In the midst of darkness, piercing light can often be just that - piercing.

I think of my daughter, whenever I have to wake her up early in the morning and its still dark outside I have the living room light on along with the TV. Without fail, each time she asks me to turn of the light because its too bright (she even used to say to turn off the TV too, till she realized I as putting cartoons on for her). The bright lights hurt her eyes - she had been in the dark for so long even the dimmest light seemed too much. Often she would cover one or both of her eyes to block some of the light. If you aren't someone who lives in analogies and metaphors, I'm sorry. But I see her and am convicted at my own response to the Light.

Jesus as the Light

This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” 
12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.

Us as the light
You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Sometimes sin has a way of making the light too bright, even for those who walk with the Lord. We can leave a part of life separate  in a dark box hidden. When Light comes to it it can be overwhelming. But take heart, the Light will restore you to your Creator....
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Yesterday I couldn't find my Bible, and I grew discouraged and I didn't have much time before work. Then I grabbed what I thought was another Bible, but was actually a book of hymns. I opened to a hymn by Charles Wesley - and God spoke to me. The hymn described who I am and what I have been feeling, I am constantly amazed at His faithfulness.

Morning Hymn by Charles Wesley

Christ, whose glory fills the skies,

      Christ, the true, the only light,

Sun of Righteousness, arise,

      Triumph o’er the shades of night:

Day-spring from on high, be near:

Day-star, in my heart appear.

Dark and cheerless is the morn

      Unaccompanied by thee,

Joyless is the day’s return,

      Till thy mercy’s beams I see;

Till thy inward light impart,

Glad my eyes, and warm my heart.

Visit then this soul of mine,

      Pierce the gloom of sin, and grief,

Fill me, Radiancy Divine,

      Scatter all my unbelief,

More and more thyself display,

Shining to the perfect day.

Dark and cheerless is the morn, unaccompanied by thee..... How great it is when His light does impart! 

This morning I wrote with a heart towards a loved one, who is opening up to the light in a certain hidden area. I know its not easy, and its hard being laid open before God. I know that road, I am all to familiar with the hidden being made known. But don't lose heart, He will baptize you with fire - His Holy Spirit will indwell you and this stain will made be clean. It will no longer define you, you will be FREE.... 

In times of discouragement take heart. I sand Psalms 77 on your behalf today.

I cried out to God for help;

    I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;

    at night I stretched out untiring hands,

    and I would not be comforted.

3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;

    I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.[b]

4 You kept my eyes from closing;

    I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,

    the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.

    My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7 “Will the Lord reject forever?

    Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

    Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?

    Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:

    the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.

11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

    yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will consider all your works

    and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13 Your ways, God, are holy.

    What god is as great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;

    you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,

    the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16 The waters saw you, God,

    the waters saw you and writhed;

    the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,

    the heavens resounded with thunder;

    your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,

    your lightning lit up the world;

    the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,

    your way through the mighty waters,

    though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock

    by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Valley

Last night I told Phil the summation of my heart in that moment.
"I don't feel cherished by anyone"

I arose early yesterday to cover a call out at work, dealt with an employee resigning, my boss looking at other job options. I came home cleaned, cooked, played, and tried to do for the other part of my family. At the end of the night I attempted to worship and it broke my heart......
See I used to play piano, well at a decent amount anyway. While my guitar never went beyond a little bit, my fingers would glide along the keys playing a love song to the Lord. I sat at my new piano yesterday planning on working on a song I'm trying to write and found my fingers were stiff. Not only were my fingers stiff, but I couldn't read the music notes in front of me, neither could I switch out of the on key I used to play often. I was crushed. Still I played, forcing my fingers to move, asking God "please, please, please let me play...."

This morning I woke up briefly at 5, feeling compelled to pray so I did. Then when I woke up next I had this song in my head:

When death like a Gypsy

Comes to steal what I love

I will still look to the heavens

I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening

Because there are no words

Just the stillness and the hunger

For a faith that assures

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

This Lenten experience has been wonderful. I have seen glimpses of God, had preachers stop their sermons to speak directly to my heart, and felt touched by worship in ways I thought my heart had lost. And still I doubt.

I was reading parts of Jeremiah 16, where God tells His people they won't praise Him because He brought them out of Egypt. But rather a new season was coming where they will say, He brought us out of the high country.

I always thought my testimony was done, the finished work was simply that finished. Yet with that knowledge I have struggled with those same sins, the same lies, and same faults just in different forms as my youth. How do I marry these? I would often ask myself that question and with no answer leave my faith in the past. It couldn't solve the anger I had felt, the bruising my hands caused, the pain my words left, the unfulfilled longings my brokenness felt... If I were to share my testimony it would've been that God saved me from sexual sins as a child and teen. But the fact is those fears, those pains affected my marriage and I still have to ask for grace to not fall into their lies. My entire testimony laid on the redemption of that sin but if that was the end of my story, what part does my husband and daughter have in my faith? I locked them out from the spiritual parts of my heart, because I did not know how the God of my youth would fit with the God of my present. Yet there is so much more to the story than that! Praise Jesus there is.

"because of the word of their testimony...."

Through the power and healing of Jesus my Lord I have:

Overcome the hurt of rejection by the Body and have asked God to humbly allow me to serve His children, if I be rejected or stepped upon again I will stand for Him.

Run towards the Light, leaving sins dark stains behind me. My memories are still awaiting to be redeemed, by the process has begun and I can look back with more than pain - but also joy.

Humbled myself and asked for forgiveness, even when my shame of lost control is too high, He has been faithful to heal these hands to bring more than pain. 

Stopped only reacting, and slowly begun to respond. I am a sanctified work in progress  I am not finished yet. He is healing me constantly and consistently and for this I am grateful. 

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If you don't know, I have been asking God to not merely change the season but to also change the scene. In this section of Jeremiah He is promising that I will not look at my saving point as the 13 year old walking away from sin, or the 15 year old in counseling. I will look and see Him now. In the trials and tribulations that lay before me, I will see His Hand. I will no longer have to look back and say "I saw Him move then" but rather I will proclaim boldly "I see Him! He has healed me soul!" At this I weep..... Perhaps I will see my loved ones made whole, their weary hearts baptized in His Spirit, their broken minds made whole to His goodness, and my life can be a reflection of His Light. While I still crave a change in physical scene, I know He is changing the spiritual scene around me. His Hand is at work and my heart leaps with anticipation and joy. 

I found this song that expressed this morning.

May the grace that sought my heart on that first day

Be the grace that binds my heart to stay

May the truth that opened up my eyes on that first time

Be the thoughts on my mind that never go away

For You are a lamp to my feet

A light to my path

You're the hand that's holding me

Faithful God, every promise kept

Every need You've met, faithful God

May the love that caught my heart to set it free

Be the love that others see in me

And may this hope that reaches to the depths of human need

Be the song that I sing in joy and suffering

For You are the love that never leaves

The friend that won't deceive

You're the one sure thing

Faithful God, every promise kept

Every need You've met, faithful God

All I am and all I'll ever be

Is all because You love faithfully

Faithful God

I will walk boldly with His name, His armor upon me, and His Spirit within me to be His feet in the brokeness I walk into daily. 

Weary

If you have ever seen me when I am tired, and I mean really tired - you'd see a fairly different Traci. Sometimes I am happier and sillier than I'd ever be; other times I can see my anger flare and my ability to hold myself back seemingly limited. I have leaned on that crutch for a long time, excusing a lot of different types of behavior. It wasn't until recently that my husband challenged me in this crutch, pushing me to see I could push through if I wanted to. I realized my exhaustion was similar to intoxication. Up to a point I am just using it as an excuse for bad behavior, there are times (like in the middle of the night and I get smacked in the face accidentally by Phil or Addie) where I have to use all my literal strength to control myself and barely succeed.
Why bring this up?
Today I am weary.
Its all the superficial things; call-outs, lack of sleep, problems with work, desires unfulfilled, and lack of time with my Creator. It's scary how quickly I cAn forget the amazing works of God. I feel like Israel, who went through the Exodus - seeing the grand power of their Lord. Yet as soon as their resources run low they complain and question God's very ability to give.

In all my complaining,
I'd like to say I'm sorry.
In all my unrighteousness
I'd like to say forgive me.

I am an unworthy vessel,
full of holes and cracks.
My anger often controls me,
my emotions overwhelm me.
I am blinded to You, simply by me.

Please forgive this weary soul.
Forgive the foolish heart.
Your signs abound.
Your grace is unending.
Even in the midst of my enemies,
You speak.

Lord, God, Abba Father....
This child needs You.
More than I need life,
breath and sleep can fade;
but this longing for You remains.
I wait.

I love you Lord,
You are faithful to the end.
If when I lay in Sheol,
dying in the very waste of me,
You are my rock and my salvation.
I will trust in You.

Thank you Lord,
for Your goodness is never ending.
Your greatness never ceasing.
Your faithfulness fills the seas.
Your love larger than the heavens.
Here am I.

Delight

Each of us take delight in different things. I know as a spouse I delight in my husband when his attention is on me, and he is searching out ways to win my heart. As a parent my heart takes delight when I see my daughter walking in the ways of the Lord, or when she says something exactly like me! or when I see that little-bit of a girl and see a glimpse of the women she will be. Very often she can always win my delight in her obedience. I don't tell her to do things often, I try to let her explore and make mistakes. But I want her to be safe, and I want her to learn and do what is right - so sometimes action is required from her.
The Lord as our Father and God reiterates this similar delight in obedience,

Hosea 6:6

"For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice,
    the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."

1 Samuel 15:22b

"Surely, to obey is better than sacrifice,
    and to heed than the fat of rams."

Often times obedience is not desirable, especially as it is often uncomfortable and stretches us.

Right now I have been fed so much the last few weeks through this process of Lent. It has broken me, and more importantly restored me. It would be so nice to simply stay in this baby phase of consistently being fed the emotional milk from God. But we all must grow up, and take on the process of not simply being sustained by emotion. Sometimes we have to act, and that act of obedience is better than sacrificing anything else.
I think of my job, my home, my church and my family. I can honestly think of a half-dozen things I'd love to sacrifice over obeying God in acting towards them. I don't know right now what that act of obedience will be, but I feel it coming. God has betrothed me unto Himself, but not only for myself but also for His Body. I just pray that I will be willing to obey, no matter the cost.

Lent Thus Far

I began this blog, to begin and record a journey. Ironically that evening I went to Church for the beginning of Lent to find out the church's title for Lent was also journey. It certainly has been there. I thought I'd blog daily - reflecting on scriptures  songs and prayers through this journey. But some days time doesn't allow, many more days the more important habit is trusting in the Lord and spending time with Him rather than reflecting on Him. This week has been especially interesting.
On Sunday I had a melt down. As my husband saw, I fastforward very quickly to operating as a doer rather a co-heir with Christ. The situation made us both wary of out involvement in Church again, wondering if we could handle it - but going forward in faith after much talk and prayer. (Though on a sidenote  have not idea what this will look like.)
On Monday I went back to work, after having a week off with my beloved and my sweetie. I enjoyed the previous week going to classes at the Seminary with Phil and having playdates with Addie and her friends. It was hard going to back to "real life", the struggles and realities of work. Monday I was hurt to be there. I am finishing up my third year, and I am saddened by my lack of spiritual impact. It is hard working in a "christian" environment, so everyone acts nice but at the root I know over half my staff have little to no relationship with Christ. I can't simply act nice and hopes to reflect His glory; there has to be more. I grew weary and Monday it was hard to be out of the spiritual bubble I had been in the previous week. Even after I spent the whole morning interceding for my team and lost loved ones, being in the presence of the Lord- my old habits appeared at work quickly.
On Tuesday I didn't care. I mean I did, as I the Spirit compels me to care. Twice I had employees comment on my demeanor. Once that I looked like I checked out, second said I looked angry (which I was, more frustrated at the lack of proper work being done).
I saw all that to say this:
Lethargy and apathy won't cause anyone's salvation.

I'd like to ignore that I heard that, maybe plead the fifth, forget I knew the Spirit's leading. I don't want to be held accountable for how I am at work - it'd appreciate a dual standard. But our God is a God of soundmind, of love, and requires consistency. He is an unchanging God - His patience will not fade. I don't expect God-like characteristics overnight, but surely I can be more than a lethargic, apathetic, depressed individual at my job.
Maybe I can be a light. It just seems so hard being a light, in the midst of a lightly lighted room. The darkness would surely see my light and be grateful for it. But I am humbled by John's description of Christ
"the Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." If the world did not see Christ - who was obvious a blazing light in the midst of their supreme darkness, I should not grow weary if I feel unseen in my little flicker. But this doesn't get me off the hook, in any capacity.
I think of few Scriptures of encouragement:
Matthew 10:42
"whoever gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones in the name of a disciple—truly I tell you, none of these will lose their reward.”
2 Timothy 1:7
"for God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline."
Colossians 3:17
"Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."

God,
I am broken and often bitter.
I want Your gifts to just happen;
to simply fall upon my lap.

But if Your Son could not escape
the time of the wilderness, and of temptation.
How much more must I,
face this desert and seek Your Living Waters?

Give me uplift, Oh Lord.
Let not my seeking be in vain,
calm my spirit and let me long.
Be faithful in Your calling.

I know I am new, young and weak.
But I see the warrior You made in me.
The make of industry that You formed.
Let me not forget the grace You gave.

Quicken my steps to action.
Harken my heart to Your glory.
Help my impatience, my Lord,
and help me to be Your light.

I see no future,
no longings fulfilled,
no desires dreamt,
and i feel empty.

Cause a vision,
a holy wholly vision Lord.
Not of man, of fame or power,
but of Your glory.

Make way Your paths,
that no man can make asunder.
Plant in me a dream and passion.
I can't go on without it.

I believe in Your love,
In all my life You have been faithful.
I will recount the days of my youth,
when You spoke Your love songs to me.
I will stand upon Your Word,
the truth, the Bread of Life, the Living Waters.
I believe in You Oh Lord.
I trust I will see Your face,
at the mountain, running into the fear...
You will be there.

To be honest....

A projection

Can I rant for a few minutes?

I guess I don’t need to, as long as you are happy that’s what matters. If you are content and have forgiven the trampling that occurred than I can’t take on your offense. But honestly if you ever need someone to take your offense for you, I’m here for you. Seriously, it’d take me like five minutes max and I could rant and rave over the hypocrisy of the system; how it puts on a pretty face but hurts people in the process. But it’s not my offense, at this point anyway, so just let me know.

In case you don’t know me, let me give you a brief overview of myself.

I’m healing.

A long time ago I fell in love with the structure and building that the Body of Christ met in. I invested my heart, soul, and spirit – and left God eventually. When I followed God’s direction, and met rejection I went back seeking a home. Instead I found a system, and structure. While it did what it had to do to preserve itself, I was left naked, and broken. That’s where my best friend and now love came in. God brought me a best friend, one who could relate to the rejection of the system and yet was bound to it in every sense. A PK, with a call for missions, a love for family, and secret spiritual life – this man was my soul mate. Fast forward: marriage, baby, happiness, struggles, sins, anger, forgiveness, and time. I forgot why I needed God. He was an abstract formula that I prayed to, sang songs for, mentioned often, and taught my daughter about. But I kept Him there, in a box and I was happy. So my marriage sucked sometimes, my anger got the best of me, and lust crept in – but I was okay, right? Walls I didn’t know were there, and were built nicely around my emotions. Protecting me from His conviction, protecting me from feeling the world, and most of all protecting me from myself. My former life, of sin, of hurt, of disappoint, of failure, of people, of everything. Fast forward to now.

I am broken and I can’t seem to break these old habits.

I hurt. I want to be healed, but am afraid of its consequences. I prayed and beseeched God this morning to give me a better spirit with my daughter, and I had to constantly fight the desire to just snap at everyone. It’s amazing how sin disguises itself as attractive…  I have never been whole, while being in love. I know it’s silly, and the words of my favorite authors, Lewis and MacDonald resound strongly against this thought but here it is: can I love my Creator and rely on Him alone and still be desperately in love and with my beloved on earth? Of course it can be done, but you have to understand that my hearts pattern has never allowed for both. My catch phrase is “I’m an all or nothing girl”; I can’t give up on one or the other. I don’t balance well; see my former stalker days (legitimately so).  I feel I am coming undone.

 Do you know me?

The church reached out to me and I don’t think they have any idea what price they just asked. Can I be in the world, minister to the world, give my heart to my God and my beloved, and minister in the House of God? I feel faint at the concept. Honestly I have been a bit bitter and depressed most of the afternoon. I have been waiting for years for a door, any door, any acknowledgement, a moment of “I see you”. Whether this is that, or not I do not know. I only hear the Spirit’s caution “Don’t make your faith about another person again”. I have a pattern in the past of putting my heart and faith in the person representing God, rather than in God Himself – a foolish and all too costly mistake…

The water that I will give will become in you a well of water springing up to eternal life

What does all of this mean? It means I want to be real again. I’m just not sure how to take the ‘real’ I knew then, and the real I am now and marry the two. Yet my burden seems so light compared to some, and so heavy to others. I guess this is what Jesus meant, by His yolk being light and His burden easy. He cares the yoke we have to carry with us, and doesn’t look back. If we can just reach out in faith and hold fast onto His gaze the yoke is light – though mind you it doesn’t go away. It is still there, the weight still real but we just don’t have to carry it alone.

I wept till it hurt today, and since the beginning of Lent this has been a common occurrence. Buttons have been pushed, issues brought up, and the process of sanctification is still very real in me.

I want, but my want won’t define me. At least that seems right…  With all of this the only calming occurrence that has been through my life since I was small was the Word. I always have life verses (and I also have to change work passwords often) – so lately I try to have the two correlate. I would like to share those with you now. I hadn’t noticed, but there definitely is a transition.

Psalms 13 – The depth

“How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?

How long will You hide Your face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul,

Having sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;

Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,

And my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”

And my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.

But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness;

My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

Because He has dealt bountifully with me.”

Matthew 28:19 – The reminder of the Call

“Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations,

baptizing them in the name

 of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit”

Jeremiah 29:13 – The plea

“You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.”

Proverbs 13:12 – The curse

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Habakkuk 2:3 – The foretaste

“For the vision is yet for the appointed time;

It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail.

Though it tarries, wait for it;

For it will certainly come, it will not delay.”

John 4:14 – The reminder

“but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst;

 but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”

When one isn't enough

We all know two is better than one. Love songs tell us, pop culture reminds us, various clubs poke this at us in order to get our participation, pastors preach it at us to get our tithe; but can one really do it alone?

I am someone who is rarely alone. Being the oldest of seven, married right out of high school, and early mom - alone is something not found often. To be honest I am grateful for this. I remember back in high school all of my family (grandparents, siblings and parents) were in town (a 30 minute drive) and I was home alone at 15. I was alone for about 15 minutes and I got antsy and bothered at the quiet and lack of companionship. So I called my best friend and bribed her with gas money to come pick me up; which she thankfully did. That is quiet literally the only time I remember being home alone, otherwise isolation only occurred in the car which always involved music. In addition I have always shared my heart and thoughts easily, and perhaps too frequently. But I learn more about myself as I talk it through with others, they are my energy and reminders of grace.  I say all this to say, I have never been afraid to admit I need people. But I have never been in a position where seeking help 'looked bad'; most weaknesses have never struck me as something I should be ashamed of or have to hide for fear of loosing face.

My husband is a PK (pastor's kid), and if anyone knows the church - pastor's are typically expected to be like the priests of old: perfect - and pk's are expected to follow suit. Growing up I always heard, you either get the pk who is perfect or the pk who rebels against God and the Church. Now his parent's didn't expect perfection, they did require good behavior. My husband still feels like everyone is watching him at church, and will always sit towards the back whether at church or in class. Because judgement is his weakness, he constantly gets poked by people and the enemy, whether it be by his 'stay-at-home-dad' status, long hippy hair and beard, geeky t-shirts, or his quiet nature.

I recently had someone I love, tell me they were in counseling and the day after our conversation they asked if I was disappointed by them. Not so much by the idea of counseling, but rather by the weaknesses they shared. I told them of course not, and in fact I was proud of them being able to share and deal with what they were going through. Being in ministry, being a parent, being a leader often makes people think they gotten things together, but really we are all just growing and moving towards Grace.

Personally because of my, and my father's experience with the normal institution church, I was bitter and hurt. When the church divides a Christian family, and leaves out personal discernment; it loses its purpose and leaves the Body of Christ with a bad taste. I saw this, and thus decided the church as a Sunday morning institution was for the blind, the weak sheep, and those who were unable to live the life of a Christian. I believed in community, and found that in an extended family - where we broke bread, shared our burdens, preached, prayed and worshipped. A pastor, elders, deacons, and a building seemed superficial and superfluous; and for the most part my experience proved a lot of this.

Yet God has been doing something. A few weeks ago, I started attending a church. Not only did I start attending on Sunday, but also Wednesday, and I my heart wanted to be there all the time. My heart has started to heal, and in the middle of that my pastor, and even visiting my pastor-father-in-law, the sermons have been about communing with the Body of Christ in church. In addition to a desire to be with the organized Body, I also see the brokenness in my friends, coworkers, and others even more than before; not to mention a keen awareness of my own need for Christ.

So what does this all mean? Why share? To be honest I don't know. I am walking on this journey, and have seen a dramatic increase in faith-based interactions, and have been shaken and challenged. I have seen those I love growing, and moving towards Christ.

Hebrews 10:23-25
"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful;  and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.
Ecclesiastes 4:12
"And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."
Romans 12:4-5
"For just as we have many members in one body and all the members do not have the same function, 5 so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another."
1 Thessalonians 5:11
"Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing."
James 5:16
"16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much."

I am an offering

My heart was burdened inside my chest,

the fire from old left mere embers instead.

The weight of glory left my soul,

it is stead lay the burdens of this life.

In my anger I cried out,

in my disdain I screamed to God.

Why doth thou forsake me?

Were the words running in my head.

Mouth could only utter, 'Why?'

My strength has left me,

my joy a mere memory before me.

Yet God you brought me here,

why now do you change me?

In my comfort I was happy,

and satisfied with the work of my hand.

In my stretching I was grateful,

as my character was changed and I grew.

But Lord what is this pain?

I have known growth without it before.

My heart is weighted,

My eyes wet with tears.

Will you not speak?

Will you not give relief to your beloved?

Am I to be cast out like Israel?

To wander in the desert?

In Your faithfulness you answer me,

not in words, or fire, or smoke.

In Your gentle heart, you respond,

not in the wind, the rain, or the earth shakes.

Oh Lord Your letters of love,

How they comfort my soul;

Bringing this heart hope,

and satisfying the deepest ache.

Your love letter to me,

66 books to discover your words.

How foolish I was

to think I knew you!

Your nature is true, 

your anger is just.

Your love is unending,

and I am left humble.

Jeremiah felt the longings,

the love of his God and his people.

His heart broke for your beloved,

as he wrote,

"the fierce anger of the Lord will not turn back,

until he fully accomplishes the purposes

of His heart."

Yet in your judgement,

You faithfully spoke,"The time is coming,

when I will make a new covenant

with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah.

It will not be like the covenant I made with their forefathers

when I took them by hand to lead them out of Egypt,

because they broke my covenant,

though I was their Beloved....

I will put my law in their minds

and write it on their hearts.

I will be their God

and they will be my people.

No longer will a man teach his neighbour,

or a man his brothers saying, 

'Know the Lord,'

because they will know me."

Oh Lord, if Jeremiah only knew!

If the prophets of old, could have seen!

Your sacrifice, Your offering to us...

For You sent Your Son to earth.

In our sin and folly,

You did not forget us.

Our beloved came to save,

Our Lord redeemed us all.

If we merely look upon His face,

we are saved from the mire of our souls.

If we touch the edge of His cloak,

we are healed from our many afflictions.

I believe, oh Lord, help my unbelief!

In my weakness pick me up,

dust off my feet and send me along.

In my weakness, You are strong.

In my indiscretion, You are faithful.

In my trembling, You are wise and stand.

Your offering is a sweet aroma to the heavens.

Forgive my foolish heart!

Have mercy on my silly soul.

In my weakness I doubted You,

in my hurt I rejected Your comfort.

Let Your love letters speak to me again.

Revive Your Word in my soul,

let me constantly meditate on Your words.

For I am nothing without You.

Let me be the salt and light.

At whatever the cost,

let me offering me a sweet aroma.

Whether it be fire, or grain,

accept my offering, my heart.

I am humbled before Thee.

In my angst Your face seemed hidden.

Yet here You are faithful. 

Give me strength to be stretched,

let my heart be steadfast.

Let me speak Your word;

to the masses or the single

let Your words ring through mine.

If I have nothing left,

I have You.

I give my will in sweet surrender,

Whatever You want Lord I give.

I am afraid of my words,

and my actions cause trembling.

Will men throw me out?

Like Jeremiah, will I be cast out?

What of men's words?

Of what eternal glory do they hold?

I will stand firm,

Speaking the love of God.

Let my actions speak,

The love story written before time.

Holy Spirit indwell in my places,

as I walk be with me.

Let Your presence be known,

in my work, school and play.

Let my heart hear Your voice,

even as the worlds speak so loud.

If I cause one thing,

let Your people see You.

Let me be an encouragement,

a light in the dark,

salt to the offering,

and God I will give.

I will lay my life down,

for is this not love?

I will turn the other cheek,

and give away my cloak.

I will walk the extra mile,

and not speak ill against my enemy.

I believe Your Word,

as it lives and dwells within me.

Be the Light through me,

today, tomorrow, and forever.

Amen.

Selah.

Obeying the Lord

My daughter and I sing, and sing often, about everything and lately I've been explaining to her that this is not new but it is wonderful and that David in the Bible wrote Psalms that expressed a range of emotions that we can relate to. We both seem to know God best when singing quietly about what is on our heart to Him. So this morning, I sang a prayer of repentance. Whose chorus focused mostly on this line, "I self-serve, I self-seek, I'm self-absorbed and I am just too weak... to do this on my own."

 My family know that I can be a fairly self-focused individual. Not because I mean to be necessarily, but often because I act based on how I feel - giving no or little though on how this may affect the other. Now in big issues I have improved with God's grace, with the input of an old friend and previous boss - "respond don't react". I have further learned the fruit of self-control. But in the little dailies I find myself serving only myself and what makes me feel good.

Psalms 37:3-9
Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this.
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait
patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret - it leads only to evil.
For evil men will be cut off;
but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

If you have never read Psalms 37, you really need to read it in its entirety. It is a constant contrast between those that follow God and the wicked; yet it does not allow the righteous to simply BE, but rather challenges their various faults: anger, patience, trust, commitment, focusing on God and being generous.

I struggle with trusting God. I have joked since I was a teen, "I don't have confidence issues with me, I have confidence issues with God." I'd get a chuckle, scolded or individuals would simply roll their eyes. But since I was a tween, I haven't fully known who God is. You say of course you haven't, but often times individuals are certain of their faith in God - I was just certain in the faith I held and kept God at the length I could understand Him.

This has led to me leaving God out of my job, out of my marriage (for the most part), and pocketed well into the areas I could grasp. While it allowed for decent spirituality it never involved the development of my character - how can your core change and your habits be broken if God is not with you always? Thus this search in Lent. I don't simply want a God who I feel, like when I was 12 & 13; nor do I want a God that simply gives me good world knowledge, wisdom and reputation (17-present) - I need a holistic, incarnational God that changes and morphs my hard heart and stubborn, self-absorbed head into His image. This Psalm reminds me that He is will respond to the various parts of my heart and my various struggles. He is faithful.

Forgotten Ways

Jeremiah is considered the weeping prophet by most, and reading the first few chapters of the text it is no surprise as to why. You feel the heat from the Lord reading the words of judgement that He is pronouncing over His Beloved. Having grown up 'Pentecostal', I read it and I hear Jeremiah speaking it aloud as a prophetic utterance, and it makes your heart shiver. It also can be convicting....

Having grown up in the church it often feels like you've been 'saved' since conception. Each of us have that moment or few moments where you knew God called you out, but faith has always been a part of your psyche. Because of this I have read the Bible 2-3 times in its entirety  These passages should be familiar or at least trigger some previous memory - and yet it doesn't. I have to cultivate the greatest love note I have ever received. I am no so different than Israel when the Lord said,

"Consider then and realize

how evil and biter it is for you

when you forsake the Lord your God

and have no awe of me," 

declares the Lord, the Lord Almighty

My pastor shared with us yesterday the first time he ever had God speak to him. When he was praying for how thankful he was to not be a heathen sentenced to hell, God spoke "but for My grace, you would be". As believers it is easy to fall into a stagnate place - whether it be in our physical or spiritual life. Neither honor God, and truly both are statements of disobeidence. Jeremiah 2:14 points to Israel asking if she is a slave, and if not why does she act like it. So often we act bound to sin, bound to the past, forgetting we are co-heirs with Christ; redeemed, being sanctified and ever moving towards our beloved Father. 

Jeremiah 3:4-5 was a somber reminder of the foolishness of the flittering heart.

"Have you not just called to me:

'My Fahter, my friend from my youth,

will you always be angry?

Will your wrath continue forever?'

This is how you talk,

but you do all the evil you can."

I used to think evil was the 'big' sins, and yet as Jesus said a mere thought is adultery and murder, I find myself a murderer and an adultress. Yet when I find myself overcome I cry out to be saved, and He is faithful to save me. Yet as soon as I have legs to stand again I run back to my 'worthless idols'. How grateful I am that Jesus came and covered over my sin, redeeming me to Him. But with His Blood do I truly want to defile His sacrficie? Or spit on His cross? 

I say all this, to really say: I'm sorry. I act within my own strength, pursuing my own idols, and carrying them around as trophies of value. Thank you for giving us Your Son as our lamb, so I can still approach the throne of heaven in the midst of my indiscretion. Please help me to give in to way 'feels good' or what is easy, help me not to say 'it's no use, I love foreign gods, and I must go after them', give me strength to trust You and You alone are enough.

"Create in me a clean heart, a clean heart
For I have turned my face from You
Teach us of Your ways oh God, oh God
For we have turned away from You
Lord have mercy

We will run to you, we will run to you
Turning from our sin we return to You
Father heal your world, make all things new
Make all things new

Your love and mercy build and shape us
Break us and recreate us now
Lord have mercy"
- Gungor "We Will Run To You"

Safe Place

Psalms 46 - a song.


1 God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields[d] with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

Yesterday I was praying, and waited to see what I should read. This first week I didn't want to be systematic or read a specific text for Lent; instead I wanted to just let the Spirit directly minister to my heart. John 1 is a familiar passage, and thus was a walk through memory; the above passage was chosen because yesterday was the 46th day of the year.

I sing. Yes, many people sing, but I sing about everything and anyone - or at least I did when I was a kid. My family has dozens of stories of the silly songs I'd sing - often just describing what I was doing in that moment. Singing was the calming affect on my soul that often felt divided. I also talk, ask anyone and they'll tell you I talk a lot. The exchange of information, sharing of one's innermost being with another is a passion of mine - so I talk. However I have a hard time taking this passion to talk and directing it to my Creator or having it change me. Yesterday I prayed with words for a minute or two - but I get so distracted and bored. I then went to Psalms 46, and saw it was a song. What better way to read a song than to sing it aloud? As I sang a new tune to an old song, it was evident this writer was a singer. In case you didn't know the Sons of Korah wrote many Psalms. Here I found a kindred heart - singing one's prayers. After I finished this Psalm I proceeded to pray for the few burdens on my heart, all through song. I felt the connection with the Creator - and while emotion is not the basis of our faith - the feeling of connection put a joy in my heart and a reminder of the love from my Creator.

So what does this have to do with Lent?

I will hopefully reflect to that later. Currently I have a few oxen stuck in a well that demand my immediate attention. (Luke 14:5) Blessings.

John 1 - The Word

Today I read John 1. There are a few things that particularly stuck with me.




16-18

"From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God but God the One and Only, who is at the Father's side, has made him known."




Grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. From this truth we are blessed again and again. Even in our sin, and our deception or perversion of truth - Jesus offers us hope and access to the Father's face through Him, through His grace and truth. Often I struggle with truth. As a child I felt moments of insanity, wondering if this was "real" life; I felt condemned in my double-mindedness. My husband can attest to the plague it caused me, it stole my very joy whenever it was present. I realized a year or so ago that the cloak of duality had been lifted off my mind. I couldn't pinpoint when or how - but God had been faithful to bring truth; THE TRUTH had saved me. Honestly it brings tears to my eyes realizing that that burden is gone. There is still a memory of the deception, in fact it covers most of my childhood memories in a mask of pain and bitterness that I know (head knowledge) wasn't really there. A great theologian and teacher of mine, explained once that we have to seek God to have our memories redeemed. that while we may be healed sometimes our memories are still drenched in the darkness - we need his TRUTH to come in and make real the grace that has always been a part of our life.




29-34




This section talks about John baptizing Jesus. In these few verses he says twice he did not recognize Jesus as the Son of God; after all they were cousins, who is going to think their cousin is the long foretold Savior? The application of this is two-fold. First our Savior can come to us in unrecognizable ways, and may very well be closer than we think. Second, give grace to the blind who can not see the Savior right in front of them. After all it is later in John where we see that, "He has blinded their eyes and deadened their hearts, so they can neither see with their eyes, nor understand with their hearts, nor turn--and I would heal them." (12:60) Rather than judge those that do not see, ask God to unveil their eyes - seek the Lord to open their hearts to the Truth.





43


"The next day Jesus decided to leave for Galilee, finding Philip, he said to him "Follow Me."






My husband's name is Phillip, in fact he is named after this disciple. Personally this verse means so much. Many of the disciples sought Jesus out, for Philip Jesus sought him out! My heart leaps inside of me chest at the wonder of being a sought out disciple! To my beloved, I'd say remember your namesake because you Savior will call you out as well. For the rest, its an encouragement to know our Savior proactively searches us out. He does not leave us behind, He will find us and bring us to Him.

Rediscovery Through Lent

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday - the beginning of Lent. During Lent many people sacrifice or give up pleasures as preparation for Easter. I have never participated as I never felt convicted to do so. This year is a bit different. Having lived my life in semesters I feel like God's next season will take a perspective of years and seasons rather than short 5 months of crazy. I will discuss in my first post the "hows" and more "whys", but I want to know God more. I need to know my Creator intimately  and spending haphazard time with Him doesn't work for a 'sold-out' soul like myself. So I am starting this season of Lent -sacrificing 'me' time and giving it to God. I am going to rediscover Him through rereading various sections and passages of Scripture that have shaped me over the last two decades. I felt compelled to structure this season around scripture by the sermon my pastor, Jackie Johns preached on Sunday. My retelling of his statement is this,

"Go on a road of rediscovery of your first love, the Word. Walk the old trails, point out the familiar landmarks, look at the past through the lens of the present. Read the greatest love letter ever written by Love itself, and see what He has to say to you today." 

I hope that through this journey I may bless and challenge you, as I too am challenged and blessed.

Here's to rediscovery of my neglected Love.